Published on 12, July, 2020
When it was first suggested to me that I might be autistic I began watching various autistic influencers on YouTube and read books by similar people.
But one glaring thing stuck out for me, and I’ve just come across another example. Specifically, these influencers without exception seem to be married, be in a relationship, have children.
And yet for me the single most life-ruining aspect of my condition is my utter inability to form relationships. It’s like everyone else has telepathy and I don’t. I thought this was one of the defining characteristics of autism.
So are these high profile authors and videographers representative of autistic people or am I the sad exception?
I tried to make a go of the "autistic content creator" thing a while back. I'd spent 2 years doing lengthy Twitter threads about my autistic experiences. I think what I didn't realise was the pressure that I'd be under while trying to be an 'advocate'.
People turn to you for support in a way, and I began to put myself on a pedestal that I needed to be this person for so many people. If you're prepared for that, that's fine, but I wasn't. I have no experience of working with other people which didn't help either.
I was constantly comparing myself to the other creators who were perhaps doing infographics, videos and getting high profile writing gigs. I'm not being self-deprecating about what I did do (as it was one of the few things I've done that my parents were interested in) but I think I realised that it wasn't something I enjoyed. I was out of my depth and I think it turned out to be a dangerous game putting that much of myself out on the internet.