Published on 12, July, 2020
I've been struggling for both for a while. My stress levels have been heightened for a while too so it's perhaps unsurprising that I'm so sensitive to pretty much anything.
My mum can't tell me to do anything now (I'm 26 and still living at home) without me feeling like I want to break something. I've had so much pressure put on me with regards to finding work that I want to run away from any discussion of it.
I fear someone lecturing me/screaming at me all the time. I've basically become so much more hypervigilant than I was.
I have been considering finding something like a rage room or anything I can do to release that frustration that continues to build up but I don't know what I can do.
I turn to watching comedy or something as a distraction but it's only a short term fix. The issues are still there, even if I calm down a bit.
Has anything worked for you?
Have you tried some form of exercise? Running? Press ups or gym type exercise? Something that will use up all your energy in your body and leave you exhausted? By the way your frustration is entirely understandable. Could you talk to your mum/family about how pressured you’re feeling and how you really need them to ease off the pressure? Can you open up to them about how you’re feeling? Hopefully they would understand and be supportive.
Kate Kestrel said:Could you talk to your mum/family about how pressured you’re feeling and how you really need them to ease off the pressure? Can you open up to them about how you’re feeling? Hopefully they would understand and be supportive.
I've done this and it really doesn't seem to get through to them. I often feel like I need to have a big meltdown in front of them for them to stop with the pressure because nothing else has really worked.
I go cycling occasionally, it's the only form of exercise I find myself really enjoying.
I used to do a lot of cycling. I think tension does get stored in the body and moving about is a definitely a good thing. As I said above - maybe putting how you feel in a letter might get through to them more. I’m really sorry that they are so unresponsive to your attempts to get them to understand what this is like for you, that must be so frustrating and upsetting for you. Do you have any siblings that are supportive? And if so could they help your parents to understand? Do your parents have much understanding of autism generally?
I wish I could just not overthink and not dwell on the past but it seems everything I've tried (bar distracting myself) hasn't really worked.
A lot of people struggle to cry - even though they feel they need to - it’s not uncommon. I think your worries about manipulating people by showing your emotions etc are not something you need to be concerned about. Ultimately you have every right to express how you feel - and you can’t really control how other people respond to that, Try not to overthink it - just be honest. As to people online having opinions about you: well people always will have opinions but you don’t have to take them seriously. And setbacks are normal - we all have them at some point, so don’t worry too much about that. There’s always another day to have a fresh start - let the past go, try not to dwell on it.
I never allowed myself to be fully vulnerable in front of my friends either. I never cry - not that I don't want to but I've just bottled it up for so long I've become numb. It's the same thing - I worry if I cry in front of someone I am manipulating them. I know I wouldn't think the same if they do it.
I keep feeling like I need things to get to a level where I can't go any longer and it's a last resort because that's the only thing that'll push me but I don't want things to actually get to that stage. The fallout would probably be more painful.
When you have to read comments online about you where people think you're lying about being autistic (whether I deserved it or not) it leaves you feeling ashamed of being autistic. I thought I was beginning to accept it but I've had the setback.
You’re incredibly eloquent on here - I’m sure you can do this. It’s not ‘manipulating them’ - it’s just opening up and being honest with them. It takes courage to be open. Show them your vulnerability - don’t be afraid to do that. Use your voice - If they can’t respond honestly to that then that’s on them - not on you - but at least you’ll have tried to make that connection with them. It’s worth a try. Be proud of who you are, don’t apologise for finding life hard. Being autistic is far from easy - give yourself credit for what you’ve achieved - however humble those achievements might seem to others. Sometimes it’s a struggle for me just to get through the day - and I give myself credit for doing that, even though others might look on and say “that’s easy”. But it’s not easy for me. I feel no shame about that anymore. You shouldn’t either, you’re young and you’ve got a lot of life to live. Lots of good things lie in your future - so keep hopeful and take courage :)
I feel like the next step is to put across something like "I can't go on anymore". I don't want to feel like I'm manipulating them but it's technically true. It was already hard and now it's harder than it ever was.
It's like I could scribble a note and leave it on my dad's work desk or something, but I don't know.
I'm awful at conflict/confrontation, which admittedly has gotten me into these situations. I do believe 90% of the problems in my life wouldn't have happened if I had just spoken up. I always fear that I'm being difficult.