Parental Acceptance?

I’ve always had quite a fractious relationship with my mother, she still can’t say the words, autistic or autism. last week she decided to join my wife and I at the village pub. It was very busy, my mother was taking non stop one side of me and my wife was taking on the other side. It all got a bit too much in the end and I shouted,” stop talking,” I did feel guilty and she went home shortly afterwards.

My wife thought it would make amends if mother came to Sunday lunch. I normally cook as it gives me an escape route, I apologised for  my behaviour in the pub a couple of nights before. She then said that she had felt exactly the same about the noise. I then mentioned my late father, ” remember how dad was? He always had to have the same plate, mug and knife, he wore the same type of clothes and was known for ‘ going into one’, he never liked you wearing perfume as it affected him so much,” She then said that he was inconsolable when having a ‘turn’ and afterwards had no memory of how he had been, I tried to explain that he most probably had autistic meltdowns,  she said that his mother told her, he had been the same as a child. His mother was known as being a very ’ cold’ person and devoid of any emotions. My mother had never realised how autism can present. My father like me could never walk barefoot or shower, always a bath.
She kept apologising and thought I was ‘ like I am’ because of her, she then offered to pay for a private assessment.  I said thank you, politely declined the offer and of course told her it was no one’s fault.  She said that she was trying to bring up three children and thought I was always just quiet but did talk to myself a lot, she went on to say that she was often heavily medicated or away ‘ sectioned’.

We have sort of made our peace now, it seems we were an autistic family living in chaos with no communication and no idea of what we are.  I had excluded her from my upcoming assessment but I’m now wondering if I should include her. She still can’t say the word autism but I think we are making progress. I’m not after any advice, I’m 56 this month and mother will be 77 next month, it’s never too late.