I don't think I've worded that title very well but I hope things make more sense with this explanation.
I've always wanted people to like me, and it would torture me when they wouldn't and I wouldn't know what I did wrong. I overcorrected and would try absolutely everything to get them to like me.
Where I believe I went very wrong was when I was 22, I would actively ask people to write nice words for me. Like a testimonial so I'd have something to look over on a bad day. It sounded like a good idea at the time but when I was asking people to do it rather than just letting it happen naturally, it didn't seem to occur to me that actually, it wasn't going to have the positive effect anyway.
Because I was awful at taking compliments anyway, it was pretty forced. I went through a period of writing those things for other people - a lengthy message telling this person how much I appreciate them. I would do it for friends AND acquaintances which was one of my many errors. I think I had too much of a sense of "maybe they'll write one back".
Also, I put myself under pressure. I felt like I HAD to do it to keep friendships alive, even though it was never an expectation. Well, to an extent; I wanted my friendships to be one where we're both boosting each other up but I should have let it happen naturally.
It didn't help that I saw an Instagram post at some point reading "don't stop seeking external validation" or something. I can't remember the content though but naturally it made me more confused.
I do appreciate people's kind words. I guess I just didn't express it in a healthy way, and I didn't appreciate it enough.