Published on 12, July, 2020
I don't think I've worded that title very well but I hope things make more sense with this explanation.
I've always wanted people to like me, and it would torture me when they wouldn't and I wouldn't know what I did wrong. I overcorrected and would try absolutely everything to get them to like me.
Where I believe I went very wrong was when I was 22, I would actively ask people to write nice words for me. Like a testimonial so I'd have something to look over on a bad day. It sounded like a good idea at the time but when I was asking people to do it rather than just letting it happen naturally, it didn't seem to occur to me that actually, it wasn't going to have the positive effect anyway.
Because I was awful at taking compliments anyway, it was pretty forced. I went through a period of writing those things for other people - a lengthy message telling this person how much I appreciate them. I would do it for friends AND acquaintances which was one of my many errors. I think I had too much of a sense of "maybe they'll write one back".
Also, I put myself under pressure. I felt like I HAD to do it to keep friendships alive, even though it was never an expectation. Well, to an extent; I wanted my friendships to be one where we're both boosting each other up but I should have let it happen naturally.
It didn't help that I saw an Instagram post at some point reading "don't stop seeking external validation" or something. I can't remember the content though but naturally it made me more confused.
I do appreciate people's kind words. I guess I just didn't express it in a healthy way, and I didn't appreciate it enough.
I have been very mechanical with friendships in recent years. Based on whatever I've picked up, I'd decide things need to be done in a certain way rather than listening to what I felt comfortable with. I found myself in very unhealthy situations as a result.
I kept reaching out to people via Twitter or whatever and out of like 120 people over 2.5 years, by the end I realised I'd only really felt properly connected with 5 people.
I know what works for me but I wish I just went with the flow a bit more. I wish I knew what I know now.
Exactly. I think i have often thought that its what i am supposed to do. Like, isnt that what people do? Is that because we dont know what is expected of us, so we be the absolute best we can be to help get it right? That is putting a lot of pressure on ourselves. X
Yeah, I have begun just allowing myself to say thank you and not feeling like I have to make a joke or brush it off.
I put pressure on myself to be the giver. I send a card to a friend for their birthday. I need to do more next time, send a big parcel etc... it should have been because I wanted to, not cos I felt like I had to.
Yeah I don't recognise a lot of the good stuff either and I definitely feel it's a self esteem thing. I'd be hard pressed to even admit to being good at something.
I feel if I say that in front of people they're going to go "no you're not, you're actually pretty rubbish". I've had situations similar to that.
Coincidently i have just started a discussion similar to yours. I always have to be the giver. I dont accept very well from others, particularly compliments. When someone has said...you like nice in the dress i shrug it off rather than so thank you, although i am getting better at taking compliments.
Its been hard not recognising that i am liked and that i am good at what i do. I suppose it comes down to self esteem? Or are these typical of autistic people?
I don't disagree. I feel a lot less valid than I ever have; some of the cruellest things I've ever had to deal with being said to me have happened over the last year.
I have no protective ring around me (and that's not an exaggeration). I'm working on all of this with my therapist but I think I'm still a bit embarrassed and scared of allowing myself to feel and everything else.
I appreciate your kind words, thank you.
In my opinion;
Internal validation MUST come first, or else any external validation that does come CANNOT land in its proper place for good. I suffered with this misplacement problem for half a century.
When internal validation is achieved, external validation almost becomes an irrelevance anyway.
Quod erat demonstrandum - external validation is a fools game.
So I guess that leads to an inevitable question (and obviously, simply ignore if it is not one for you) - do you feel like a valid being?
And.....for the record.......I really admire your open honesty in this forum and your tendency to raise very thought provoking questions. You're alright by me HM025 - for whatever that might be worth to you.