The Choice

Although you think that the above statement about me is correct, it actually isn't and I don't and I can't.

I'll steal a technique from my therapist and ask "can't or won't?"

Reading the comments here, I think it's hard to give a meaningful answer as we all mask differently. I think I also mix with different NTs to many of the other commenters on this site; I don't see the extremes of conformity other people describe.

I do feel like some commenters here that I don't know where my mask ends. I think my external autistic behaviours are relatively subtle even without masking. My stims are quite subtle and while I can't make small talk, the rest of my conversation seems "normal". That said, I think people possibly notice something a bit "off" about me that they can't quite define if they talk to me for long. I struggle with eye contact; I can make it, but I have to force myself to do so. Likewise with ensuring I have suitable body language. I'm OK faking this until I'm stressed and overloaded, then it becomes painful.

I'm probably not naturally a "quirky" person. I have no real desire to be different for the sake of being different. I guess I do suppress a lot of my emotion and try to seem quite "blank" a lot of the time when I'm with people I don't know well or trust because I worry about saying the wrong thing. Likewise, I don't info dump people with knowledge about my special interests, but that's a problem if I don't share with people who would like to know and maybe would find me interesting company if I did.

I am more fun and silly with my wife (the only person I don't really mask with, or not much). I don't really feel the need to be like that elsewhere, though, and it would be inappropriate in the workplace or at my synagogue.

A lot of this is from bad experiences in childhood rather than adulthood (I haven't been bullied in the workplace, for instance), but it's hard to unlearn. I wonder if other people are the same, reading from an outdated script, but not knowing how to change.

Pegg said:

Yep. That's certainly been my experience.

And mine, Pegg.

Ben

I Sperg said:

The N.T.'s ALWAYS sniff you out after a time.

Yep. That's certainly been my experience.

I thought I was def, seems Russell Brand wasn;t listening either.

I have no idea what is masking and what is just 'me'.

It's been too many decades for me to be able to make that distinction.

You and me both, Debbie.

(Excuse me butting in)

Ben

Iain said:

I did say that you could dial down the masking to stop the most obvious of your traits -

I wish you were right but I'm afraid this presumption is incorrect.

I have no idea what is masking and what is just 'me'.

It's been too many decades for me to be able to make that distinction.

Iain said:

If you can find a level that works and you have the confidence to be that slightly "quirky" person then it is my experience that you can save a lot of energy compared to full on masking (ie trying to be just like them).

I've spent my whole life being a lot more than 'slightly quirky'!

I think your advice might be more suitable for a young person.

I have rarely tried to 'fit in' with regard to society so have spent my life outside looking in, mostly.

Iain said:

Now you have been diagnosed you understant the nature of masking so I would suggest using that knowledge to build a different masking technique, one that is much lower maintenance and where you can slip it on and off with ease.

Iain, your experience of a late autism diagnosis has been very different to mine.

Although you think that the above statement about me is correct, it actually isn't and I don't and I can't.

Actually Autumn_Trees, I don’t think what you say is true - there is a difference in the way that men and women, typically but not universally, react to perceived threats.  And what we’re dealing with here is with people who see others behaving differently or abnormally as a threat, something like an invading tribe, something alien invading their territory.  Clearly there are plenty of people who see deeper, emotionally, than surface judgements who this doesn’t apply to, but if people are perceiving a threat then:

1) men typically, but not always, will react to external threats, the invading tribe, so to speak, with violence to repel the attack.

2) women typically, but not always, will react to the threat of the invading tribe, with an instinctive fear of rape.

These distinctive reactions are not only seen when people feel threatened by differences of neurodiversity.  I’m sure we are all aware of instance where other types of differences between people have tended to result in the above behaviours - namely people being lynched, or people being seen as a sexual threat.  So, let’s not pretend it doesn’t happen.

I can't behave exactly like 'normal' people without 'masking'

I did say that you could dial down the masking to stop the most obvious of your traits - finding out what level that is normaly takes someone to help as judging it ourselves is rarely effective.

If you can find a level that works and you have the confidence to be that slightly "quirky" person then it is my experience that you can save a lot of energy compared to full on masking (ie trying to be just like them).

Now you have been diagnosed you understant the nature of masking so I would suggest using that knowledge to build a different masking technique, one that is much lower maintenance and where you can slip it on and off with ease.

I appreciate it may not work for all, but what is to be lost by giving it a try?

I Sperg said:

Sorry to be rude, Iain but this is utter crap. 

The N.T.'s ALWAYS sniff you out after a time.

To be fair, WiredDifferenty was talking about walking down the street and my response was to that scenario, not workplace integration.

Spending a lot of time with a disparate group of people who are not your friends is always going to be a challenge for us but there are skills to be learned to cope with this too. Learning to be condident in spite of having a-holes try to pick away at you is one of them.

Doing this without knowledge of your autism is going to make this very hard to do, but once you do know and you can empower yourself with confidence to stand up for yourself and call them out when it happens - you can make a lot of progress.

I never said it would be easy though - and not everyone is up for that fight.

Iain said:

I found that you don't need to mask to behave exactly like them

That's an individual thing though - because you can, it doesn't mean others can too.

I can't behave exactly like 'normal' people without 'masking'.

I Sperg said:

And don't forget I had no idea until a couple of years ago that I was Autistic, and all the normies could tell me was that "i wasn't quiet right in the head" or "you don't do the right things".

That may be part of the issue for people like us diagnosed so late.

Without the knowledge of why we are like we are, then conscious 'masking' has been beyond us.

I feel like I've spent my whole life dodging bullets.

Why would you include 'rapist' as a description? As long as you're not raping/have raped/are threatening to rape people - you won't be treated like one.

Sorry to be rude, Iain but this is utter crap. 

The N.T.'s ALWAYS sniff you out after a time.

And once they do the word gets around: "You know that guy? There's somethng "off" about him..."

My doctor refused point blank to test me for Autism until I insisted, having taken the online test myself at home. so I guess I "mask" as "normal" at first meeting well enough. But as soon as I get into a "social" situation such as work or training etc. Where there's a bunch of normies, I end up getting the shitty end of the stick.

And don't forget I had no idea until a couple of years ago that I was Autistic, and all the normies could tell me was that "i wasn't quiet right in the head" or "you don't do the right things".

Specific accusations of misconduct  were very rare, the vagueness of it was what I couldn't understand... 

WiredDifferently said:

2. Relax, act a bit quirky, and have people avoid me in the street, and be treated like some kind of rapist, mad animal or wierd alien sub-species.

You would have to have some pretty way-out stims to make people walk across the road to get away from you - what are you doing that is so different to the neurotypicals?

I found that you don't need to mask to behave exactly like them - mostly just a dialling down of the obvious issues is enough to stop startling them and to save you energy from having to mask so hard.

The confidence from being maybe 90% authentic is self reinforcing I find - just avoid singing out loud to whatever you are listening to on your phone, don't point and stare at people, maybe keep facial tics or changing expressions to a minimum and you can pass for normal.

Since we are a minority in a 95-97% neurotypical world then I think we should try to make an effort not to upset the NTs. It would be nice if we didn't have to do it, but if we know our behaviours scare people then we should take some responsibility to learn to dial it back - in my opinion.

It doesn't take much to find that sweet spot between being full on yourself and full on masked, but whether you have the willpower to keep doing it is down to you.