Published on 12, July, 2020
Firstly, thank you to everyone that responded to my previous post, your thoughts have been genuinely helpful.
With that in mind, I thought I’d raise another issue that I‘ve struggled with daily for three years!…
I live with my partner and her two children, a well behaved and generally pleasant 12 year old girl and a 14 year old boy who attends a school for children with specific needs. Although undiagnosed, it is highly likely that he has ADHD and possibly depression.
The issue I struggle with and have from day one, is the boy, IMO he is lazy, disrespectful, selfish, untidy (in the extreme) and historically down right insulting (to me)
My partner and I have had too many rows about his behaviour to count, often ending in me having a meltdown and having to leave, yesterday and today is we are going through the latest one, to the point of me looking for alternative accommodation again.
It’s hard to be specific and ask you for direct advice because the list of his misdemeanours is huge, so for context regarding today, there are three events that have resulted in me bordering on another meltdown.
He ‘games’ online through the night and talks/shouts/laughs loudly often waking my partner and I, he begs and pleads to go out late in the evening and is always late resulting in my partner calling him and berating him (this is every day), and yesterday he smashed a window at school and has been excluded for two days, which is a reward for him because he doesn’t like going.
My partners response to this trio of events was to talk to him very briefly, get the customary ‘sorry, I love you’ and…that’s it! No consequences, no punishment, nothing, within an hour he was asking for a vape and treats from the supermarket, clearly IMO utterly unaffected and oblivious to the problems he has caused yet again.
My father was physically and emotionally abusive to me (by todays standards I would of been removed and put into care) which I understand skews my understanding of parenting, obviously I don’t agree with any form of abuse towards children and I believe that love, support and kindness is the way forward…but my partner seems to believe that’s all that is needed and I simply don’t agree, children need to understand boundaries and need to experience consequences when they knowingly break them.
My request has always been that he receives a suitable punishment, the removal of his phone/x box for 24 hours, but my partner refuses to enforce that, and it’s a constant problem.
Your thoughts and experiences will be gratefully received.
Wow, testing stuff!
Looking at your situation dispassionately and as an outsider, clearly mum has no control over or respect from son.
Since he isn't YOUR son, neither have you.
YOU do not seem to have very many choices here.
1. You "take the high road" and IF your partner agrees that her son is out of control (effectvely admitting failure as a parent, unlikely IME) and is willing to let you take lead, you slowly build a relationship with the boy, earn his respect and help steer him right.
2. You stay in the relationship as-is and just try to cope as best as you can
3. You get the hell out of dodge if you are young enough and find a woman who will have kids with you and stay with you long enough to raise them.
Since demonstrated in my childhood that "punishment" can kill love, although I received lots myself as a kid I actually handed it out sparingly. With my (own) kid I basically built up trust and mutual liking & respect, (which is addictive) and did not have to actually DO much "correcting" since if they like and respect you, they do try to follow your lead until they hit the teens then they deliberately do stuff to piss you off.
BUT if they have picked up a moral code form you, it'll be limited, and you have to let em win when you can afford to and really stop them in their tracks when it's proper serious. Often they know it's wrong, and if you can see that they know it, you can share that point of view and discuss the matter without really being in opposition. No-one wants to feel "wrong" it's punishment enough, Of course you have very limited options at 14. Y.O.