Published on 12, July, 2020
I imagine this is a common one for autistics, but I think I've tended to downplay just how torturous it can be. Not knowing where someone's head is at but them not telling you, and you not feeling like you can ask because you're being difficult (and you've asked already).
I've had friends disappear for a while and I have dealt with it in different ways. Sometimes I'm able to just leave them alone for a while knowing that they're probably busy, while other times I cope quite badly and end up sending them far too many messages, which can make the situation worse.
I feel guilty. While I'm hoping that the person is okay, I'm thinking "Is it because of me? Seemingly they're not comfortable talking to me and it's my fault". Even if someone turns around and says "I don't feel comfortable around you anymore", I'd much rather that than them not telling me, and unfortunately I often only find out after I ask them outright (which I also hate doing).
I do often forget that I'm autistic and my brain just doesn't work the same as a fully neurotypical person. I can't read minds and I can't pick up on these unwritten rules. I just don't know how to manage that because I feel like I'm coming across as a bit of a tosser if I ask for accommodations in that regard.
HMO said:Not knowing where someone's head is at but them not telling you, and you not feeling like you can ask because you're being difficult (and you've asked already).
Hi HM025,
I agree this is challenging - but, especially with NTs, asking them to disclose on this level is a big social red flag. It's considered too overt, as far as I can determine.
Perhaps our wish to have these sorts of answers stems from our need to order our world and experience?
I used to feel more anxious about friendship than I do now. Whatever we imagine, or feel anxious about when it comes to others, we can't know what they're thinking - we're not mind readers, as you said.
It's easier on the heart and soul to stop second guessing people and let friendships unfold as they will. I'm not saying it's easy to do, but it's definitely better than tying yourself in knots with social anxiety.
I'd have mixed results if I did just be upfront and ask where they stood (did they see me as a friend or not). Not just neurotypicals but Autistics too.
It's harder when the other person knows that I'm autistic, but maybe I haven't always made my need and desire for clarity all that clear.
I can still be very anxious. One person I was basically 'best friends' with and then all of a sudden they disappeared. I tried to rationalise what could have been going on but it really tortured me cos I never really found out what went on.
I guess it would have been less anxiety inducing if I managed to just switch off from it, because I'd devoted so much energy to it and that's all I could do. It might have done less damage that way.