Advice needed

Hi ️

I'm not sure exactly what I'm looking for, I feel confused to be honest.

I'm 31 neuro-typical female, my partner is 25 and has been diagnosed with ADHD and her physician for ADHD strongly believes she has autism too. We also believe this to be the case as she does have a lot of traits that would suggest this.

I've known my partner for 10 years+ however, we've only been in a relationship for just under 1.5yrs. I love her very much, she's so kind and loving, very smart and has the best sense of humour - I know she's the one for me, quirks and all!

She was diagnosed in February this year with ADHD after we pushed it with the mental health team/doctors as she just wasn't coping well at all with life and she didn't want to live if she had to feel the way she did, she has pretty much masked all her life to fit in. After she was diagnosed and started treatment for ADHD, this is when Autism really came through - it's like her ADHD was over shadowing it. She's always been very sensitive, feelings/noise/smells etc but her emotions seem to be very dis-regulated.

I like to consider myself as a supportive partner, I try to do what I can to help her manage and I try to listen and act on what she says. However, now, when she's having a burnout and her emotions are uncontrollable, she tries to explain things to me - such as how she's feeling or what is making her feel that way, but then tells me I don't understand, but says it in a way that almost makes me stupid for not understanding, if that makes sense?

We do communicate well, I know I could be better at opening up but past experiences have made me this way to some extent, I am trying to get better at this and be more vulnerable with her, which I do, but she still tells me 'I'm still not opening up enough'. Another thing she has said is that I can be overly caring which makes her feel less independent.

I just want to do the right things and I know I'm not going to get it right all the time, I also know that I'll never completely understand her brain and that's totally fine, but I just feel like I'm really trying to listen and help but it isn't good enough. 

I just wondered if anyone had any helpful suggestions/advice. She's going through a really tough time and I just want to be more helpful and be a better partner. 

Sorry for the essay - thank you in advance!