A polite birthday letter from an autistic writer

Hi there,

My name's Eugenia and as today is my birthday I'm not happy about that (although I LOVE birthdays), and I've never introduced myself in this community, I decided to copy a letter I wrote for this day. If something sounds "strange" it's because it IS strange, as I am a foreigner.

Here I go...

A polite birthday  letter from an autistic writer  

So many times, I feel the desire to just write. Write about my feelings, write about my life, write about life.

So many times I just feel the desire but not the willpower to do it. And so many times I feel the desire, but I have nothing to talk about.

In all of those times, there is one—and only one—thing in common: desire. The desire to write.

But writing is not just a goal. Writing is the medium to express what is inside of me. Writing is a medium to be myself.

When I cannot speak, I write. 
When I can speak, but have no one to speak with, I write. 
When I have feelings fulfilling my soul, but not the opportunity to show them, I write. 
When I need to work, I write. 
When I want to rest, I write. 
When I have a truth to tell, I write. 
When I have a problem to solve, I write. 
When I analyse a situation, I write. 
When danger threatens, I write to feel safe.

Writing has been the only constant in my life. Since I wrote my first word, it has been my only genuine friend. Over time, it has also become my only true love.

When everything seems to be the end, it is my only hope. 
When I have nothing left, it is my only possession.

For the last few years, it has also become my only family. And for the last decade, it has been my only birthday and New Year’s Eve company.

Writing is my desire to be alive, to escape from the thoughts I don’t want to think about and from those I could get stuck in.

Thirty-three years ago, I wrote in my diary: 
“I cannot imagine my life after 45 years old. I think I will never live to see them”.

I have been over 30 years wondering whether I will reach 45. And today, I am writing this letter to say I have finally been born again.

Today, I only want to write.
Happy 45th birthday to me.