Published on 12, July, 2020
In my case, many have told me that I have made them feel uncomfortable so I've really had to look at myself.
I've never intended to, but I think me being so closed off emotionally (masking perhaps) plus a lot of bad habits didn't really help. I've spilled my guts to people I didn't know very well, and have probed people for personal info sometimes. I regret all of that and am a lot more aware of how I come across, as well as what's appropriate and what's not.
I started looking at how Ed Sheeran speaks and conducts himself in interviews. He'll be the first to admit that he's not the most expressive man in the world but I always think he has a coolness and swagger when he speaks and I wish I had that, but I'm basically masking if I try and emulate him.
The people who used to be in my life would probably describe me as quite expressive sometimes, even though my sense of humour has always been quite dry (another something which doesn't help perhaps?).
I guess it's just about finding that confidence.
I also am very conscious of how I come across, which skyrocketed when I was at college and a teacher commented on how they avoided me due to me making them feel uncomfortable. I do try and keep to myself, I only ever engage in conversation if someone initiates it, and keep it as short as possible. I try to come across as bubbly and happy as I can, and this got me through the majority of any social interaction I've had and since I don't make lasting connections, people don't get to see any other version of myself. I could talk forever, but I do not want to digress. I hope you find/have a support system that you do not feel the need to mask or feel acutely self conscious with :)
My situation is a bit different because I found a support network but because I couldn't deal with it, I threw it all away (I might make a thread on that).
I'm sorry that a teacher said that to you. It's those little things which often stick with us. I had hundreds of people tearing me apart on Twitter a few months back - it started out as them holding me accountable for something I did and quickly turned personal. That was much worse than any real life bullying I've ever dealt with because I really could not do anything.
Initiating conversation is something I feel less encouraged to do because of how it tends to pan out, and how much trouble it gets me into.