Published on 12, July, 2020
I have huge problems taking holiday, and previously only travelled to see my mother who I didn't get on with and it was always very traumatic. I stopped visiting her years ago and have a rue that l my holidays had to be productive and learning to justify the amount of anxiety preparing for them brings out. So it's been Thai boxing camp and Berlin as I was learning German. I haven't been away for almost 8 years. This was all before I even though I might be aspie. Just the preparing, arranging a sitter for my cats, getting to the airport on time and not missing the flight makes me tense and the whole thing not worth it.
I purchased tickets to see Rammstein in Berlin on Saturday. I bought the tickets last year as I really like their music and I haven't been away for a very long time and I though I would treat myself to a nice ticket and a trip as I though since I've been learning for a while and been hyperfixated on the band plus I could practice my German would be a good way to start again. Now, if you've read anything about Rammstein you'll know what a disaster this has turned out to be! The sex offence charges against the lead singer, the protest plant for this weekend in Berlin etc. I haven't been able to do much for the last week. I'm really conflicted but because reading all the facts it looks like the singer is guilty as charged. But my ticket was really expensive, and I worked so hard preparing everything and then there's the ticket price and obviously part of me feels duty bound to get this done. I can't help it! I don't know how to feel about any of this but I'm feeling increasingly, dangerously, upset. I have people telling me I shouldn't go, people telling me I should go. I'm still doing the flight part but I haven't thought past that point. It's weird, but it doesn't feel like it's moral decision. Maybe because I was more into the music than the individuals? Maybe I'm horrible and selfish, and a bad person who only cares about her tasks. Why am I still going? Why do I still want to? Just thinking about this is making me want to just run somewhere else and hide and never come back (even though I can't. cats.) I Don't see the band as people maybe, just sounds? I'm not sure.
I think I jut need a place to get this off my chest. I don't expect to hear nice things. or anything at all. Seeing bands live was the only place Ii felt I could relax. Weird isn't it. I can't do parties or dinners. But just drowning in a sea of people anonymously listing to music you like makes me relax. Not sue I can do that again though as people will always just be people.
Currently it seems that the entire focus of your trip is the concert. It's our autistic tendency to hyper-focus. That's why the decision seems overwhelming.
Maybe you could widen the focus by researching what else there is to see and do in Berlin that may interest you. It will at least take your mind off the issues surrounding the band for a while.
If you can start planning other things to do during your trip the concert itself will become a smaller part of it, which should hopefully make the decision less overwhelming.
Good point. I do tend to hone in on my objective which is just how I plan trips. Outside of that 1 thing everything else is a surplus. I never saw much of Jamaica as I was just visiting my mum and never planned anything around that and it took all my energy as it was so stressful. I'll try looking up some other things.