Misunderstanding relationships

Personally I found my autism made me more likely to end up in relationships than a neurotypical person.

I have had such relationships, the longest being 15 years until I decided to make it non sexual.

I hope you never manage to find a relationship as based on your comments here it's certain you would be abusive. I'm not being mean that's just a fact.

A) you know nothing about me and what I do and don't do in my personal life.

B) the 'advice' you are referring to is mostly yours and you don't meet my criteria (eg a person successful in forming casual / long term sexual relationships) I'm not being mean that's just a fact. You've been very vocal about not wanting sexual relationships on this forum, you are not well qualified to hand out advice on the topic.

I'm bit surprised tho because usually teenagers (is he a teenager?) aren't so much in a hurry to get a home and more interested in casual sex. This one here sounds like a good young man.

That's a bit judgmental don't you think? You seem to be implying if he were more interested in casual sex that would make him a bad person. I mean you're entitled to your view (if that's what it is) but is it really helpful here?

do you not recognise that it is intrinsically unfair when something beyond ones control, a matter of birth, prevents or makes it much harder for some one to active or attain something that most others can?

So if neurotypicals find it easier to attain relationships / dates / spouses / sex than autistic people that is intrinsically unfair wouldn't you say?

100%

Actually the OP said that her son wants a partner and a home. I understood that he wants a relationship, a home, not just random pick-ups. I'm bit surprised tho because usually teenagers (is he a teenager?) aren't so much in a hurry to get a home and more interested in casual sex. This one here sounds like a good young man. I wish him lot of luck. 

Actually "hunters" aren't my type at all. Doesn't matter how much they "master" it, as long as they practice hunting humans for sex in pubs or clubs, I know for sure that it's not my type of a person.

Lots of people here have told you how to form relationships and you refuse to listen, insisting that approaching random strangers for sex is more effective.

Good point 

Do you have a young, female friend/family that could maybe talk to him? Maybe some advice coming from his 'target audience' might hit home rather than coming from you. Or even a sensible male role model of a similar age? It is difficult for hime to get away from what he sees and being nagged and this being an subject he doesn't want to discuss.

I don't understand what's the unfair thing that you are talking about?.

Providing a reason why someone is failing to obtain something while others do seems ok to me. He might lack the understanding of social cues, undirect messages or relationships because he's autistic. We all do in different levels and it does affect our relationships. Knowing why helps me personally to know where my weaknesses are and improve my skills. It also helps me to not compare myself to others who succeeded in ways that I still don't succeed in. It helps me to be gentle with myself and not expect more than I can handle or expect to be able to get what others have as easily as they have it. I know that I have to put extra work and time in certain areas. I think it's very helpful. 

Iain said:

If there is an older, more experienced person (preferrably of the same gender) to offer to be a sounding board then this is the best chance of him learning from it rather than continuing to flounder in lack of clueness.

I've got to be honest but I think it'd do a lot of autistic people good to hear from autistic people who have been successful in sex / relationships as to how they did it. The internet is full of so called pick up artists but few can really analyse and break down a process like autistic people can. If an autistic person who'd been really successful in dating / hook ups told me 'this was my method' I'd be much more likely to believe it.

I think it's better to set his expectations differently as to tell him that it will take time, lot of unsuccessful experiences before he cracks the code. He shouldn't be comparing himself to NTs who get these cues fairly easily. 

I don't think that will help at all. You may have heard 'the heart wants what the heart wants?' Well that's the way it is. Providing a reason for why something is unfair doesn't make it easier to bare. In fact you you provide a reason for something being unfair as if it were a justification, as if knowing the reason should make it easier, then actually you're making it harder because you're just confirming that you don't really understand how they feel. So now they feel isolated as well as upset over the unfair situation.

Maybe ask him in more details about his experiences and figure out what he's doing wrong

When I was that age I would sooner gnaw my own arm off than ask my parents about this stuff, especially  to critique my style. I think that is pretty common.

If there is an older, more experienced person (preferrably of the same gender) to offer to be a sounding board then this is the best chance of him learning from it rather than continuing to flounder in lack of clueness.

I think this may be a male thing - with the testosterone post puberty comes all sorts of urge to move beyond the nest, compete, win a mate, be stronger than your father etc - a minefield for offering help sometimes.

If there is still that chance to speak with the parents then that is great, but the impression the OP gives is that he is like millions of other teenagers out there.

Well maybe he needs to understand that some girls just want to be friends and just because they are nice to him it doesn't mean that they want to marry him. Maybe he doesn't know how to tell the difference between someone who's interested romantically and someone who isn't. Maybe he doesn't realise when he's being rejected? Or doesn't realise when he's being invited. Maybe ask him in more details about his experiences and figure out what he's doing wrong to help him do it better next time. He should also know that it's harder for him than an NT when it comes to relationships so he needs to stay optimistic, motivated to search for love. I think it's better to set his expectations differently as to tell him that it will take time, lot of unsuccessful experiences before he cracks the code. He shouldn't be comparing himself to NTs who get these cues fairly easily. 

Definitely don't discourage him but perhaps suggest he attend autistic events where he'll meet more people who will understand him and be supportive of his difficulties.

Can you help him meet other autistic people? That's often more successful.

Thanks, food for thought

Thanks, some very useful advice.  Much appreciated 

This is a complete minefield to get involved in actively so I recommend you approach it from an information drop perspective unless you have someone who can mentor your son (is there a cool uncle in the family, an adult he trusts to talk about this sort of stuff etc).

If you feel you must have "the talk" then let him come to you - say you have been researching the situation and may have some ideas to help him be more successful. He will roll his eyes, say "I really hate you" and go away to think about it most likely - just like any normal teenager would.

The key thing to get across is to stop using chat up lines, trying to impress straight away and try to be authentic - this is much more effective and stood me in good stead in my teens/early 20s.

To help you understand the complexities of this from an autistic teenagers point of view I have made a few book recommendations:

These are a few for him:
An Aspie's Guide to Intimacy, Dating, Sex and Marriage - Attwood, Tony, Evans, Craig R., Lesko, Anita (2015)
eISBN 9781784501273

Making Sense of Sex - A Forthright Guide to Puberty, Sex and Relationships for People With Asperger's Syndrome - Sarah Attwood (2008)
ISBN 9781843103745

The Asperger Love Guide - A Practical Guide for Adults with Asperger's Syndrome to Seeking, Establishing and Maintaining Successful Relationships - Genevieve Edmonds, Dean Worton (2005)
ISBN 1 4129 1910 X


This one is more for you:
Asperger's Syndrome And Sexuality - From Adolescence Through Adulthood - Isabelle Henault (2005)
ISBN 1843101890

There is no "guide to pulling girls" that he probably wants but teaching him to not objectify girls and respect them will be a valuable life skill and should avoid propogating the toxic masculinity that is always a risk at that age.

Good luck.