Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm new to the forums and also somewhat newly diagnosed (2019) despite a lifetime of serious struggles. The diagnosis was a bit of a rollercoaster, although it wasn't much of a surprise. I was angry that no one had noticed and helped when I was a child as I had pretty obvious signs (communication difficulties, social isolation, extreme sensory sensitivity, rigid routines) but I think being able to talk/mask and doing well academically (high scores in tests but dreadful executive functioning and severely low attendance) meant they just put my difficulties down to bad behaviour.
I was also hopeful that now I might get some support and understanding. But what I have found is that the diagnosis didn't really matter - people still treat me like I'm behaving badly, still judge me for everything, don't listen or make it difficult to get reasonable adjustments put in place and every single piece of advice out there is aimed at the parents or carers of autistic children. There is no or very limited information for me to help myself. I also keep hearing on repeat that at least I can talk, at least I don't have IQ deficits, that I don't have it as bad as others. All of this has just led me to a really bad place where I feel like no one understands how difficult daily life is for me and there is no help and I will never fit in anywhere. I often wonder what is the point in trying to exist in this world when everyday is a battle?
I'm trying to finish my PhD in cancer research because biological science is my special interest but I am really struggling. I am in my final year and I am behind where I would like to be, my supervisors treat me like an infant that can't do anything right and I am burning out all the time and having meltdowns. I can't take a break - the way my funding works is that I would just lose more time and an extension is not possible. The only thing that is keeping me going right now is that in 6-8 months I could have a job where it all gets easier. But now I worry that I won't be able to cope with that either. My intention is to apply for a position in genomics where I spend most of my time analysing genetic data on a computer (which I really enjoy) but what if it is too much and I keep having meltdowns?
I just wondered if anyone else was in a similar position or had similar struggles, and how they managed to cope. Or even if you aren't coping it would be nice to know it's not just me!
Thanks for reading,
Bean
I'm in exactly the same position. I'm 30, rollercoaster after the diagnosis anger and grief, final year of PhD and can't take a break, misunderstood by the supervisors among other people, struggling everyday and wondering what's the point of such life.. you described my situation as if it's me who's writing this. I'm pushing through it, day by day. Trying to give myself the understanding that I don't get almost anywhere. Going to a good therapy. Working from home. Trying to enjoy a new hobby. Resting a lot. Being patient and loving to myself. Crying. Reading. Hugging the pillows and blankets. I'm taking a vacation from the world for about 10 days soon and hoping that afterwards I'll have the power to continue pushing through.. I can relate.. I wish you a lot of luck. I also recommend to focus on the problem in hand, finishing the thesis, then when it's done trying to solve the next one, work.
I'm sorry you are going through this too Ree. It's so hard. I keep trying to focus on the end goal and doing all the things you say outside of the PhD work. It is nice to know that someone can relate, though I wouldn't wish it on anyone either. I wish you luck too. Maybe in the end it will all work out. I keep trying to remember that a PhD is supposed to be one of the hardest things a person can do and that the people I am surrounded by are all very smart so it is probably easier to feel out of our depth. My heart goes out to you <3
Well, I am happy that you are satisfied with your smart colleges. I can say that my colleagues are very smart when it comes to their field of profession but I find it hard to find someone in academia who doesn't feel superior to "higher class" than others. I also struggle with the professional and formal the way of communication is. I wonder why they need to say a simple thing using big words and sophisticated phrases. Why should I dress in a certain way or follow some prestige.. why can't I be a simple human communicating with colleagues in academia in a more personal, authentic way. I wonder if it's just me..