Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm new to the forums and also somewhat newly diagnosed (2019) despite a lifetime of serious struggles. The diagnosis was a bit of a rollercoaster, although it wasn't much of a surprise. I was angry that no one had noticed and helped when I was a child as I had pretty obvious signs (communication difficulties, social isolation, extreme sensory sensitivity, rigid routines) but I think being able to talk/mask and doing well academically (high scores in tests but dreadful executive functioning and severely low attendance) meant they just put my difficulties down to bad behaviour.
I was also hopeful that now I might get some support and understanding. But what I have found is that the diagnosis didn't really matter - people still treat me like I'm behaving badly, still judge me for everything, don't listen or make it difficult to get reasonable adjustments put in place and every single piece of advice out there is aimed at the parents or carers of autistic children. There is no or very limited information for me to help myself. I also keep hearing on repeat that at least I can talk, at least I don't have IQ deficits, that I don't have it as bad as others. All of this has just led me to a really bad place where I feel like no one understands how difficult daily life is for me and there is no help and I will never fit in anywhere. I often wonder what is the point in trying to exist in this world when everyday is a battle?
I'm trying to finish my PhD in cancer research because biological science is my special interest but I am really struggling. I am in my final year and I am behind where I would like to be, my supervisors treat me like an infant that can't do anything right and I am burning out all the time and having meltdowns. I can't take a break - the way my funding works is that I would just lose more time and an extension is not possible. The only thing that is keeping me going right now is that in 6-8 months I could have a job where it all gets easier. But now I worry that I won't be able to cope with that either. My intention is to apply for a position in genomics where I spend most of my time analysing genetic data on a computer (which I really enjoy) but what if it is too much and I keep having meltdowns?
I just wondered if anyone else was in a similar position or had similar struggles, and how they managed to cope. Or even if you aren't coping it would be nice to know it's not just me!
Thanks for reading,
Bean
I can't offer any advice about how to get through, I'm afraid, but I can relate. I actually quit half way through my PhD (in Film Studies) years ago, really just feeling overwhelmed I suppose. I struggled with both the lack of structure and, ironically, the format and deadlines. At the end of the first year I did a presentation but got in trouble for not having yet written anything, which wasn't unusual for me because left to my own devices I think and research until the very last moment then just go for it.
Before the presentation I actually warned my supervisor that I might not turn up, which wasn't well received! I also turned my presentation into a kind of performance piece, which apparently offended some people (just because it was a performance, not because of the content). When I was told this, I burst into tears because I felt so confused as to what I'd done wrong. I don't think it occurred to me that there were rules and form.
At that point I wrote twenty thousand words and everyone was happy. This has always been my way, to under pressure conform out of extreme fear! But soon after I ran into the same problems, and even with a change of supervisor and an attempt to move my project into creative writing, I reached the point where I would literally fall asleep when trying to work because my brain was shutting down. I decided too that the only future with the PhD was teaching, which I couldn't face (having tried that already). One thing you have at least is the potential for a career in which you can feel comfortable, so maybe try to use that as a final motivation more than anything (alongside the satisfaction of having pushed through).
What you also have that I didn't is your diagnosis, and the self-knowledge and context that brings. I was literally floundering, still the same confused child that you were when no one realised you needed consideration. I am totally with you in feeling like, as an adult, people still don't make room for difference, but it's something to at least know your own needs and be able to articulate them. I don't know how you can tap into that, but I really hope you're able to use it to at least get some distance on what you're experiencing. I don't wholly regret giving up my PhD, but I feel sad. Don't feel sad!
Hi Molly,I have been close to quitting so many times. The only reason I have stayed is because I want a particular job after that will require less interaction with people and it requires a PhD. The lack of structure, deadlines and routine is what I think is really getting to me at times. Not knowing if I have enough for my thesis or not or if I'm on track at all is so difficult. My supervisors seem to have given up on me to be honest but I keep trying to push myself.I can relate to the not understanding what the expectations are. I have had this multiple times with different kinds of presentations or social gatherings intended to be 'schmoozing the higher ups' kind of events. It is all very difficult. I have had several friends quit in the past few years and honestly I envy them but I also feel like if I stop in my final year that I'd be devastated at how close I got. Then I also think is the PhD all that important? My friends who quit seem happy where they are now but then they don't need a sensory friendly/people limited job either. Such hard choices either way.Thank you for relating your experience, it really gives me heart to know I am not alone <3