Published on 12, July, 2020
I am writing this out in hopes of (1) sharing what I learned and (2) seeing if others have advice or ideas on how else I can support my partner.
I am NT (34, F). My partner (33, M) is autistic (no formal diagnosis) and came to the realisation that he might be autistic when he went to a neurodiversity science talk in fall of last year. I had suspected he might be autistic prior to his realising it (sensitivity to light/sound, stimming, rigid routine, trouble reading social cues, shyness, obsessed with math...) so his realisation didn't change how I felt about him, but made it so much easier for us to process things together, because there is a bit more of a map and framework to understanding how he is experiencing particular life events.
Recently, I have been helping him look for a job and there are a couple of things that have helped us work through the applications together:
It was quite an eye-opening experience helping him apply for jobs because I know how capable he is, realised that he was underemployed at previous jobs and likely stayed because staying was the least stressful option, but also realised that by and large most interview processes are not built for people with autism. If you have any other things I should think about in terms of how to support my partner through this, I'd love to hear from you.
You are doing a great job in helping him understand the real meaning behind the interview questions and what the recruiters are actually looking for.
You have certainly gone above and beyond what most parterners could / would do and I think this is awesome.
To support him I would work on helping him keep the anxiety under control while you are going through the job hunting process. You will probably know how he is able to decompress after tension so try to make this available at the end of the day to let him recharge for the next days search.
I spent a lot of time job hunting as a consultant manager before I was diagnosed and I used to treat it like a job itself.
1 - get up at a normal working days time (7am), get out for a walk or run to blow away the cobwebs and back before 8am for a shower, breakfast and getting stuck into the day. Routine can be very comforting to autists.
2 - track your job applications and build up a document with commonly used paragraphs in the applications so it is a copy/paste approach before customising each application to the company and details involved. This saves having to re-write what could be the perfect text every time.
3 - set aside some time each day for development to build the qualifications and skills. The qualifications are mostly a box ticking part of the applications (eg only applicants with a Microsoft certfication in Access should apply) but they also offer a chance to broaden knowledge in a particular area. This gives routine and a sense of progress even if the job hunt is slow.
4 - Keep monitoring the job sites on a scheduled basis as the alerts are not very effective. Jobserve was the largest I used to use. This helps the routine and not placing too much trust in technology.
5 - network. One of the hardest things to do, but keeping in touch with old colleagues without asking them early on about what jobs are on the go at their company is invaluable. It will help your partner feel connected, hopefully valued and people are likely to let them know if anything comes up where they are.
You will probably need to help him with the networking but using the same standard paragraphs as the job apps will make this much less of an overhead.
6 - If the jobs are a distance away and travel is a concern, help plan how this could work either as a commute or a relocation. It may be a step too far for your partner to deal with trying to figure this out after the stress of the application and interviews.
I won't lie, it is difficult but it is a chance for your partner to grow and become more independent too - once he is up to speed then let him run with it and just ask if he needs any support. I think this will be a chance for him to feel more in control and possibly meet any notion he may have of needing to be a provider.
There is a bit to unpack here - I hope some of it helps.
Thank you so much for taking the time to write out this thoughtful reply - it's much appreciated. I think it's hard for me to really visualise just how stressful this can be for him because although I can see the stress in the moment, I think the overall process is just anxiety-inducing, so I think it's a good point. I also love the ideas on how to make him more independent at it because I also don't want to feel like I'm intruding on what should also be very much his process. Thanks again!