I am writing this out in hopes of (1) sharing what I learned and (2) seeing if others have advice or ideas on how else I can support my partner.
I am NT (34, F). My partner (33, M) is autistic (no formal diagnosis) and came to the realisation that he might be autistic when he went to a neurodiversity science talk in fall of last year. I had suspected he might be autistic prior to his realising it (sensitivity to light/sound, stimming, rigid routine, trouble reading social cues, shyness, obsessed with math...) so his realisation didn't change how I felt about him, but made it so much easier for us to process things together, because there is a bit more of a map and framework to understanding how he is experiencing particular life events.
Recently, I have been helping him look for a job and there are a couple of things that have helped us work through the applications together:
- Asked him to direct his complaints to the plant in the corner (aka the capitalist complaints department)
- One of the most frustrating things for him during the job application process was his reaction to corporate jargon on company websites and job descriptions as well as the fact that one has to do some self promotion and frame oneself in a good light when writing a CV and cover letter. He was visibly and verbally upset by all of this, and though I knew he wasn't angry at me in particular, it often felt like he was blaming me as I was helping him go line-by-line through improving the writing on his CV/cover letter. One thing that really helped me was when I asked him to direct his frustrations at a third party - one of the house plants in the corner. It helped diffuse the tension and it also gave him an outlet to vent without me feeling like he was attacking me. Attack our capitalist hellscape instead!
- One of the most frustrating things for him during the job application process was his reaction to corporate jargon on company websites and job descriptions as well as the fact that one has to do some self promotion and frame oneself in a good light when writing a CV and cover letter. He was visibly and verbally upset by all of this, and though I knew he wasn't angry at me in particular, it often felt like he was blaming me as I was helping him go line-by-line through improving the writing on his CV/cover letter. One thing that really helped me was when I asked him to direct his frustrations at a third party - one of the house plants in the corner. It helped diffuse the tension and it also gave him an outlet to vent without me feeling like he was attacking me. Attack our capitalist hellscape instead!
- Translated and practiced common interview questions with him
- I have conducted 100s of interviews in my past and was a careers tutor at university, so I know that practicing for interviews in general is important. The nuance with my partner was that we went through the common interview questions, and I broke down the subtext for him and tackling what the question was really asking and what an expected answer would entail. Although this process also frustrated him ("why can't they just be explicit with what they want to know?? or "well I don't want to lie - that's not the truth!"), having the practice beforehand enabled him to be able to interpret these questions correctly, and prepare answers that were not lies and that he was comfortable with, but framed the story well.
- I have conducted 100s of interviews in my past and was a careers tutor at university, so I know that practicing for interviews in general is important. The nuance with my partner was that we went through the common interview questions, and I broke down the subtext for him and tackling what the question was really asking and what an expected answer would entail. Although this process also frustrated him ("why can't they just be explicit with what they want to know?? or "well I don't want to lie - that's not the truth!"), having the practice beforehand enabled him to be able to interpret these questions correctly, and prepare answers that were not lies and that he was comfortable with, but framed the story well.
- Applied for a few jobs at a time
- It took us a few hours to apply to only a handful of jobs, and that's because he would agonize over what exactly to write. I helped by asking him to say what he wanted to say in his direct style, translating it to something that was more corporate-appropriate, and then iterating with him on the wording to get the CV and cover letter to wording that he was comfortable with. Honestly, it wasn't just exhausting for him, it tired me out, too! My advice is to pace yourselves... set aside a good chunk of time and don't try to apply to
loads of jobs all at once (unless you're applying to roles that only require CVs, then once you get the CV done, great!).
- It took us a few hours to apply to only a handful of jobs, and that's because he would agonize over what exactly to write. I helped by asking him to say what he wanted to say in his direct style, translating it to something that was more corporate-appropriate, and then iterating with him on the wording to get the CV and cover letter to wording that he was comfortable with. Honestly, it wasn't just exhausting for him, it tired me out, too! My advice is to pace yourselves... set aside a good chunk of time and don't try to apply to
- Advocated for him
- This one is incredibly important - my partner hates anything related to marketing and self-promotion. He is generally a shy person and does not like to talk about himself. He refused to get a LinkedIn account for reasons related to this. He was therefore reluctant to ask for much by way of salary (even though he had a ton of relevant experience) and struggled a bit with the "marketing" side of following up with recruiters etc. I encouraged him to up his salary requirements by talking him through how the process usually works (what's the worst that can happen? They might tell you they can't afford your band but might counter-propose something) and also by helping him draft simple follow up emails to communicate with the recruiters.
- This one is incredibly important - my partner hates anything related to marketing and self-promotion. He is generally a shy person and does not like to talk about himself. He refused to get a LinkedIn account for reasons related to this. He was therefore reluctant to ask for much by way of salary (even though he had a ton of relevant experience) and struggled a bit with the "marketing" side of following up with recruiters etc. I encouraged him to up his salary requirements by talking him through how the process usually works (what's the worst that can happen? They might tell you they can't afford your band but might counter-propose something) and also by helping him draft simple follow up emails to communicate with the recruiters.
- Discussed whether or not it would be appropriate to disclose his condition to companies
- I think depending on the industry / role / size of company, it might be worthwhile to consider whether or not to disclose an autism diagnosis to a prospective employer, ultimately because one might want to make sure that the company they work for can accommodate some of the needs in the ultimate job, but also potentially in the interview process. Because he did not have a formal diagnosis, it wasn't something he was going to disclose, but we did debate the merits of doing this. We felt that software companies might be likelier to have special accomodations, but we recognised that disclosing could have serious downsides as well.
It was quite an eye-opening experience helping him apply for jobs because I know how capable he is, realised that he was underemployed at previous jobs and likely stayed because staying was the least stressful option, but also realised that by and large most interview processes are not built for people with autism. If you have any other things I should think about in terms of how to support my partner through this, I'd love to hear from you.
