Tips on staying connected?

Thanks Number. Good reminders indeed. 

Thanks I’m always going in coffee shops cos costa is my fav place to be but don’t ever interact with anyone I’m awkward like that I only go in coffee shops when I’m with my friend 

Good morning Kali, I am Number.

Rather than tips / advice, I thought a couple of kindly reminders might be in order.

Reminder 1 = You are travelling in the UK from NZ.  This is inevitably going to make you feel more of a "foreigner" than normal...and less connected to what you know well.  Everyone (normie / aspie alike) often feel more alone when they are far, far from home.

Reminder 2 = We tend to roll in cycles I think.  If you are feeling especially "down" at the moment, then the good news is that you are probably going to start feeling more "up" sooner than you think.  Just wait it out, safe in the knowledge that you will feel better (and more connected/positive) soon.

Reminder 3 = You can be proud of yourself...you're living life.  It can be tiring - but a good thing.  Remember that you are doing rather well, despite the challenges that you mention at the moment.

I hope this might make you feel a little more "good" this morning.

Kind regards

Number.

Try local coffee shop, people will get used to seeingyou and will start to smile and chat. It worked for me.

Hi I was just diagnosed today in the uk, I have level 1 ASD & scored high for adhd. I was diagnosed with aspergers as a child but nothing followed through with my mum & dad so needed a fresh diagnosis. I’m struggling to come to terms with it even though at the time I was told, I wanted to cry with relief. I’m just struggling & it’s harder when I have a 3yo child & a relationship that has unbelievable struggles & i don’t know what to do. I need help. 

Really good tips. Thank you. Some of these I even do. I just have to remind myself I have a strategy and to go do it. Thank you. 

Jobs, not sure, but as someone who actively maintains many long distance friendships, here are some tips from that side of things!

Have set routines around it. I have one friend for whom it is important that we have some form of text contact nearly every day (she has rejection sensitive dysphoria, and a lot of health issues, so if one of us doesn't reply she worries that I hate her and I worry that she's dead:) ) and sometimes we have periods where we set a certain night to call on every night. It's been Sunday several times.

I have another friend that I haven't actually seen in person in 9 years. We sent emails for a while, telling each other everything that had happened in the last month, and also did stuff where we would play Minecraft while on a call to each other (I socialize much better around a structured activity).

One of my other friends and I largely send each other recipes and things we make (both bakers) again it's a common interest communication around a structured activity. 

So overview for you, I really recommend making friends at clubs. Choose a hobby you enjoy and try and find a local group of enthusiasts, that way small talk doesn't have to be contended with, and they'll know your knitting style before they know your name.

If you don't have a hobby yet, definitely try and find one, there are loads of really good really local groups in the UK, especially around exercise, but also around crafts and the outdoors.

I joined a regency dance group one time, I was the youngest by over a decade but I found plenty of other late diagnosed or undiscovered auties there, because you have to be at least a little bit weird to be in a regency dance group.

So yeah, job no clue, but like Iain said, common interests (and activities so talking and doing the social stuff isn't the main priority) are the best way to make and maintain friends in my life. 

Thanks for the advice! 

Thank you so much for you kind words and good ideas. I have had times I have felt connected I just can't maintain them. I think ypur right tho. Sharing experiences here with other similar people is benificial. 

Failing to fit, feels like there's no place for me in the whole world nor a kind person who's ready for me or a decent job that could suit my needs.. you have wrote exactly my feelings and fears. How do I deal with it? Well, I talk about it and it's good that you wrote here, I guess quite few of us can relate, so there you go, maybe a place where you could feel like you fit? I know this community helps me with those feelings a lot. We aren't all the same but we can relate to each others struggles.

It seems like you are having those times when life decides to give us a challenge, and it's understandable that in those times a person might become a bit alarmist. What helps me too is thinking of the idea "everything changes" as a rule. It helps me feel like I'm in control because the change happens while I'm already expecting inconsistency in life, one more bonus of this thought is when things get tough, well they'll change!. I'm not saying it's enough to wait for the change to happen tho :).

What really saves me is having at least one contact, one person I trust, one who understands my struggles and doesn't make me feel like an alien from other planet. I have a dear friend like that. I hope that you have someone like that in your life, if you don't then I hope that you at least had met one before. Think of them more, maybe talk to them more. More people like them definitely exist. Maybe also think of one place where you felt like you belonged even if it was only for an hour and hold on to the thought of it, picture it again, let your brain revisit it for few minutes and it might feel bit safe again for a while.

Also, when I'm feeling your feelings I find it very hard to do all what I recommended here . I hope it was helpful 

It's quality, rather than quantity, that counts; regarding friendships.

I wanted to be everyone's friend, whenever I was younger, and ended up with no identity. Now, I just have a few select friends. My life has more purpose now.

Hello Kali, sorry you are feeling a bit lost in life.

Now you have your diagnosis then you have the information to understand a great deal about yourself, how you differ from neurotypicals and can use this to set boundaries and let others know that your behaviours may be a bit different and not to take offence if you don't behave in the way they expect.

This can build tremendous self awareness and confidence with application.

As for tips on maintaining connections - it is largely down to making a schedule to keep contact going, keep notes of what each person is up to so you can make them feel you care (you probably do) and take the time to speak to them at the times you set aside.

I always find this hard work to get going, but it pays off with persistance. You will probably feel better after having done it each time too.

Don't forget to set some of this time aside to make new contacts too - local groups of autistic adults can be a great place but I tend to find groups who share your interests are the best.

Good luck with getting it going.

Hi Kali,

  I'm a late one too (56!). I make sure I make dates with friends to keep myself connected

Thank you. As much as it sucks it's always good to hear your not alone in these experiences. 

I dont have any tips, sorry .. i have the same difficulties ... all i can say is that you are not alone in these difficulties! :-)