Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, recently to many people in my life (my boyfriend, my two closest friends etc, work) I just keep cancelling so last minute because i just think of how exhausting it is having to be around people and mask. It will always be after i’ve talking about it and said i will for like a week, and then finally when it comes down to having to get ready and leave I just feel frozen.
This makes me feel so bad because i keep disappointing people, just wondering what people here think about it?
Should i start trying to go anyway or is it a better idea to avoid the situations that i know stress me out?
Also, does anyone have any tips particularly for female masking - have you ever tried to not mask? What happened?
I think the better question to ask is what sort of individual or group would give you a sense of being a responsible part of a community?
We are social beings better in relationship - whether a small select few or a larger tribe. Some of us (myself included) are more extreme introverts who don’t need as much time with others- once a week will do. Though I’ve been known to go much longer.
The art of forming bonds and friendships is often not taught, such as how to invest in another. But I can recall a time in life I just needed to heal. I needed a great deal of time alone and I needed financial help to have this space to learn about myself, learn what I was impacted by, and what I was actually capable of (both good and bad). I needed Time on my terms to grow, essentially. We do not “mature” the same as our NT peers.
Im not much of a fan of the use of the term “masking” as it’s a Grounded and Recognised term in clinical psychology for what everyone except Autistics do and has been around since Freud. Almost 100 years. Rather, we might camouflage, but poorly.
I would even go so far as to call it a performance and that IS exhausting. It’s a career choice for some.
A more important thing to ask is if you see a lifetime of performing around these others. Friends of our partners are often with them for life. It’s OK to start to question if your actions are part of something deeper in yourself that you’re having a difficult time accessing. I have alexithymia and once I recognised this it helped me think about how I was being impacted and what I really wanted rather than “trust” I knew that. It can take a long time to become into ourselves. So it’s OK to let go of everything else for a while and explore this.