Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi I've not been diagnosed officially but after watching things and doing a test I feel for certain that I am on the spectrum, I will probably arrange to do a test.
I've always felt like a square peg in a round hole and don't make friends easily, I see people around me make friends quickly and this really is an alien concept to me. I have a job low paid, function "normally"but suffer from anxiety when I am in certain situations and I really don't know how to deal with confrontation. My idea of hell is a social event where I don't know anyone I'm bad at small talk. I will make excuses not to attend. I think the anxiety stems from not being able to deal with people. I'm in my 50's now but feel still quite lost and I am having a bit of an identity crisis at the moment.
Sorry not sure what I did wrong. I'll continue. Basically got off the phone with him trying to put everything down to anxiety lol I think it's because that's the only thing they can really relate to because most people have experienced this at one time at least in their lifetime. I Basically got told I'm too old to be tested for adhd ( I've found over the years if I can slow my thoughts down I can get as close to relaxing as I can and focus. I don't know why this is. He said I'm probably autistic. I've just left an 8 year job working with people with autism and learning disabilities, mental health. I leaned the most about myself working there, even the horrible bits I've pushed away or denied myself to think. Lots of unanswered questions I'd been looking for, for so long probably from when starting school and getting the feeling of being different. I think in my time working there most if not all those questions were answered but not from what I was taught about autism, that is a bit pathetic. I learned about autism by seeing it and feeling it or rather feeling it for others? It's taken me years and years of putting together a massive jigsaw in my head. I know I'm normal I needed time to give myself time to process things in a way I can understand. Not how other people do. I'm just as hard to work out as they are. I was offered a course on understanding emotions designed for people with autism, is that run by people with autism? How are they going to help if they don't have an understanding? I was angry when I got off the phone, I think it was angr I still feel it but it's turned to a sick feeling. I realised after a lot of thought and belief me it was a lot, trying to work out what was most important to deal with first. I've had to Basically put everything on paper as it comes in my head. I put it down to feelings and emotions they can both cause me to feel angry, I can control this but it does make me feel bad about myself and I think this is what caused problems for me in my life. I'm scared I might get dementia and no one knows the real me and I end up unintentionally hurting those around me. I felt insulted ( that's just come into my head) that I have invested so much time and thought to put the jigsaw together and still be made to feel unheard. He didn't even ask if I felt suicidal, if I was I probably won't be doing this now. Luckily for him death is a big fear for me but I have come to my own conclusions that I'm OK with so I know I don't want to die. I think I was just looking for a little understanding I want my children to have understanding not to see me how other people have. I realised today after calming myself down that I'm not going to get very far and its going to cause me pain so I think I need to learn through others? Can anyone out there make sense of this please?