How do you make friends with someone that’s famous?

Hi Mark,

You seem to be experiencing difficulties with a parasocial relationship, which is the name for our relationship with public figures. They occur by one side spending time and emotional energy on another person who is completely unaware of their existence. This is common with many people (not just neurodiverse people) forming connections with celebrities and internet personalities who share their life online. 

There are three types of parasocial relationships: entertainment/social, the most common and healthy, through intense/personal (where someone has compulsive feelings towards a celebrity), to borderline-pathological which includes uncontrollable behaviours and fantasies directed towards a celebrity. 

From your post, it appears you have moved from social to personal.  It is important to remember that 1) their public personalities are cultivated for consumption and are not entirely accurate to who they are in private - you will not know a person due to reading about them in the news or on Wikipedia; 2) public figures are much more discerning with their relationships due to their standing in society in order to keep themselves safe and mentally well; and 3) the profiles of public figures are not maintained by the person themselves, rather a PR company or management team. 

Lines can be crossed when the parasocial relationship expands beyond entertainment/social which causes uncomfortable feelings. Having worked with many online content creators, I have seen that this is distressing both for the person being targeted as well as the person experiencing the parasocial relationship who may not understand why their advances are not being appreciated/accepted. From my experience, these parasocial relationships never transfer to real life friendships.

I understand this is difficult but, as others have said, friendship is a mutual agreement, and it is also formed on shared bonds, connections, experiences, and references. Your relationship with Greta is already one-sided as you have learned about her and have a desire to contact her multiple times. It is good to remember that Greta is her own person with her own life, interests, and relationships. As you mention, she is also autistic, so may likely have her own difficulties forming and maintaining relationships where she needs to protect her energy and well-being. No one is entitled to anyone's time or attention, you need to respect the choices of others as they are their own individiual people. It is important not to try not to get caught up with the idea of someone and obsess over a hoped-for relationship with them to the point you push aside real-life relationships.

I once read someone describe the ability to make friendships as a muscle that needs to be trained. This is harder for neurodiverse people but gets easier with practice. Parasocial relationships are a shortcut for this practice, in the same way, steroids are shortcuts to developing actual muscles. For neurodiverse people, these types of relationships are attractive workarounds that unfortunately provide no real benefit.

One great thing I have learned is not everyone will like you and you can't control how other people feel but, for every person that isn't interested, another will be. There are many people in the world that you can meet through things like shared interest groups, both online and in person but, again, it is always good to remember people are individuals and may not either vibe or have bandwith for more friendships. 

Good luck!

I know this is an old post but it's such a great, thoughtful reply. I hope Mark saw it. 

I know this is an old post but it's such a great, thoughtful reply. I hope Mark saw it.