Yesterday afternoon I did my first bit of proper work. A friend runs this Ladybirds nursery group so I volunteered and have been offered to go in numerous times, which I intended to but could never get the strength to actually go in. Anxiety cripples me and I backed out. But yesterday afternoon I finally did it. I went in for 2 and was there until about 4. I masked pretty much the whole time, talked to the other women, played with the kids, ran about, laughed and joked. It was a good time. Weirdly I did enjoy it but last night and today paid the price. My anxiety has been severe, painful stomach, wind and bloating, pains, dizziness, lack of hunger. My throat is on fire. I seem to get a sore red throat every time I get stressed or do anything. And the fatigue has been an unwanted addition.
Overall yesterday was a positive experience. I coped really well at the time, sad about the afterwards and today but I guess it’s to be expected. The women were all really impressed. Apparently I was a big hit with the kids, they seemed to really enjoy me being there. I guess because I’m still very childlike myself lol. Downside of the day was a little girl was sick on the floor, don’t think she had a bug though, it was really hot in the building and she was very red and sleepy, so I think she just overheated, probably after morning of running around bless her. But despite me rationally thinking about it I’m still mostly convinced she’s got a bug and I’ll be ill soon as well. Also not helping my anxiety! I did wash my hands frantically when I got home last night, and washed my clothes and then washed my phone. My OCD makes me a little erratic sometimes.
The head of the group wants me to go back in Friday. She was impressed and is even offering me a career, wants to get it all down on paper and then I’ll get a salary hopefully in a few months time she said. I’m really temped. I’ve applied for work for literally five years or so, never even got an interview. And now, I’m here being offered an ideal job on a plate in front of me, and yet, I am reluctant to take it because of the above. Especially the illness side of things. I don’t get out much, rarely mix with people so I expect my immune system is a bit of a wreck. Then again, touching wood here, I hardly get sick... So I’m in two minds. I really want to do this but at the same time I don’t.
Does this make sense??? Or am I just being stupid and overreacting???
Any suggestions, feedback and ideas are extremely welcome right now :)
