I do.
I really do. My sensory stuff causes mayhem in medical contexts. There's more as you get older. My GP thinks I "suffer with autism" (God help me!). I fear all medical treatment. I fear all doctor's appointments. How the Hell do I even speak to them when something is wrong.
The only services that exist are for the intellectually impaired or children.
Where do I go? What do I do?
I fear every tiny twinge in my body.
I fear being locked up in an old peoples' home, forced to socialised in bingo games I do not want to participate in; forced to bang a tambereen while a school choir sings.
I fear being left to the mercy of under paid staff in a care home where the state robs you of a life time of struggle which should be left to your kid, while they squander that abusing you.
In the words of The Who: "Hope I die before I get old"
At 58 I am aware that I have already out lived autistic life expectancy. That's 54. I was 56 when diagnosed. I am happy I lived life as an autistic person (albeit I had no idea I was one), but how the Hell do you manage to grow old as an autistic person?
I'm scared. And I am still looking after elderly parents who depend on me and haven't even retired myself yet.
Everything about old age is scary. And I'm scared.
