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35 undiagnosed

Lost-river

Hey Wave

I'm 35 and not been diagnosed with autism yet, I'm on a waiting list with the NHS but the GP said it'll be over a year before I even get an assessment I just feel so desperate for it; I constantly feel depressed because I can't relate to any of my friends who have their life together. I feel like such a loser in comparison because I can't do what 'normal' 35 year old women do. 

I feel like I've masked for so long to try and fit in. I wish I could afford a private diagnosis, but being a single mum, I just can't. I've had two lots of CBT therapy over the last 3 years but it doesn't help at all.

The only diagnosis I've ever had is anxiety and depression, which first got diagnosed when I was 15, but I really believe all my 'anxiety' has been me struggling to fit in. From very early childhood I preferred to stay at home and make my own encyclopaedia's about animals and learn to spell as many words as possible. I hated school because I missed the smell of my dog Relaxed️ even used to take my hamster with me when we had to go to the shop Joy never knew how to make friends at school so went around asking people if they had any pets. Hate eye contact, it makes me feel so uncomfortable. I never know what to say to people, I don't understand phrases at all like "every cloud has a silver lining"...what?!, I have to always Google what these things mean despite hearing them so often. I have meltdowns when plans change, even if I didn't want to do the thing, if the time or place changes I just can't handle it. I can't maintain friendships, I never know if someone is my friend or not. Can't drink water from a cup/glass, it has to be from a specific bottle or I just won't drink water for days. Hate being touched/hugged. Have to have shoes or socks on at all times, hate the feeling of the hard floor on my feet. 

I'm sure this list will could go on forever tbh. 

I feel really isolated now, as I just don't want to go to pubs like my friends do. I hate loudness and people but maybe I'm not autistic at all and I'm just bad at life? 

Thanks if you've read this far, I think I just needed to get it all out to people who actually might understand See no evil 

Parents

  • You certainly have enough traits for autism to be seriously considered. There's no shame in being bad at being a neurotypical if you aren't one, they would probably not be great at being autistic. Frankly there should be no shame in being bad at life for whatever reason! You are probably trying a lot harder than most people and it's not your fault you are getting worse results. Like the time I cycled 7 miles with my brakes on without realising it and wondering why I was so slow and why it was so much harder than usual! And thinking I had just got really unfit since last time!! When actually I was working much harder than the others and it probably meant I was actually stronger than I realised.

  • in reply to AuTriker

    Yeah that's so true. I definitely don't judge anyone else for being bad at life, I guess it's easy to judge yourself though!

    The cycling analogy is great and so true :) thank you 

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