Hello! Thanks for clicking because I really need some advice.
I am a 32y/o Transman with ADHD married to a 32 year old Transman with suspected Autism ( its difficult and expensive to test in the UK, but he fits the mold) I distinguish our gender IDs because I know both ADHD and Autism can effect people differently due to their sex, upbringing and social life. I am very communicative. I could talk for hours about anything. Words of affection is my form of love language. His is touch. I am a classic romantic. I am also a classic codependent who is both giver and taker. I want to give you the world, and will. But I need words of affirmation and reassurance because oof, childhood traumas am I right? When we met we totally smitten. It was a beautiful honeymoon period. Everyone communicated so well! We met online and then met in person, it was perfect. We are long distance, and everytime we are apart, he just changes. He isn't around, seems to prioritize everything but me and becomes a bit of a workaholic. It's like he puts on blinders and compartmentalizes everything until we see each other again, but we're talking 4-8 months at a time. Most of the relationship ends up being these horrible months of bad communication. I try everything to reach out to him but it only seems to annoy him. It's almost as if he wants to be alone. It's not just me tho. He doesn't talk much to friends, forgets important things that aren't about us. He likes staying home, likes cleaning and organizing and then will sit back and watch hours of YouTube videos, play the sims, or garden in the summer. He's hardly around, and when he is the conversation seems like...I'm annoying him? He says he loves me and I believe it. I do. When we are together it's usually ok. I am working now in therapy for my codependency. I have been taking big steps in my life to work on the things I need to. I think he also needs therapy but he seems to think he's fine. Most of what goes wrong is blamed on me and every if I have receipts to show him how he might have been the cause of something, he'll get mad, hang up and block me. He just becomes this totally different person apart. It's like I'm not a real part of his routine. It's really hard for me because I love to be around him but lately it's really hurting me. How can I reach him? What can I do? Should we just talk less? Right now we are on a break. And I'm happy to give him space..however everything feels strained and I don't think he's willing to compromise on anything because he feels he's always in the right. I see how other long distance couples are and this isn't it. I want to do what's best for him and us, but I don't understand his brain and why I'm pushed out when I'm not there.
Can anyone help :( I love him so much. When we are together he's so thoughtful and loving. It's really hard on me how totally different he is apart . On one of these times apart we had a three week break up because he said he was overwhelmed. The problem is the more he pulls away the more I freak out and run after him. I've even tried not running and he still creates this distance between us.