I got triggered recently, though I don't know how, or even if there was a trigger. I want to hurt myself, though I don't think "want" is the right word. It always feels closer to a need. The urge builds up until I finally give in. I'm desperately resisting this time, what I want to do, it scares me. I want to keep myself safe. I'm trying so hard to keep myself safe.
Yesterday I had a meltdown, internalized. I'm noticing the pattern. I can see that I'm not taking steps during the week to support my needs, by Saturday I'm on empty and overwhelmed, cue a small event and it all implodes. Complete emotional tidal wave. So, this morning I felt unwell, in recovery.
This evening? I've been chatting to a friend, an amazing friend, who is (and possibly doesn't realise) helping me to see I have value, who makes me laugh and who shows me hope. This evening I'm laughing, smiling, making plans for my future. The urge to harm, in the background.
This is a crazy emotional ride.
And the feeling I have right now, I want to hold onto, to keep forever. I'll settle for remembering though.
