I woke a little while ago from a nightmare and feeling very physically poorly too, this isn’t an unusual occurrence as I’ve long standing trauma related nighttime problems (nightmares the main one but sleep paralysis and hynopompuc/hypnogogic hallucinations too) and been struggling dreadfully with an infection for over three weeks now. In times gone by these situations have accelerated/degenerated into panic, paramedics and fruitless trips to a&e but I’m really managing it all much better, so I thought I’d capture my thoughts and actions, typical of the process I now use in these moments …
I break and stop the trauma stuff by getting up, going downstairs and making a brew. I take 2x 30/500 cocodamol for the pain. Track down the cats and give+receive fuss. Practice mindfulness, so just now as an example… Note the sounds in my house, all gentle and still, a ticking clock, purring kitties, feel the hot coffee in a favourite mug, note it’s aroma, taste, sensation of drinking, feel the caffeine+codeine hit, Adjust the lighting to just right, pitch dark scares me but over bright is a head hurter.
Then as things settle I do gratitude reflections:
My home is safe and beautiful, a sanctuary and the best most wonderful place of my entire life. It’s 100% mine and no one can take it from me, I have absolute autonomy here. Only my partner Haze comes here and I love it this way.
I have the financial security to know I will always be able to pay all the bills and have enough left to pay my share of our holidays and road trips, keep the kitties safe and healthy whatever comes along, then still play collecting and buying and selling original art and collectibles.
My health, despite the current infection, is fundamentally good, both physical and mental. I survived my last suicide attempt in November thankfully and am sure that given the support and love I’m receiving there will be no more of these
And the head rage stills, all is purring safety now
Emma xxx
