Shame and anxiety about special interest?

You shut up, digit

Excellent.  That is really uplifting to hear.  I'm quite old (in my 50s) so I gave up on trying to fit in over a decade ago because it was making me cross and frustrated.......and it never worked......I am, and always have been, very "other."

Keep taking steps.

Thanks for your response. Yeah, I get it’s difficult talking about this abstract thing. Stages does seem like a good idea, and would probably also help with my fear of approaching and talking with individuals I don’t know as well. (Both online and in person). I know I shouldn’t feel shame about what I like, and I should just be me, but I’ve live so long trying to fit in that it’s hard to let go of that. I’m taking steps. I got a tattoo a few weeks ago which I’ve wanted to do for years but never did because of fears of other peoples opinions on them.

Does that class as hate speech to a bot?  I continue my research........thanks for being my guinea pig on this occasion.......and for the record, I neither ever want you to shut up and you are demonstrably not a thicko (and I wouldn't care a jot even if you were.)

What do you reckon Shard........is my violent and hateful outburst sufficient to start the killer bots off?

Shut up thicko !

Or, as Limmy would say, your 'hing. 

btw Daniel......if you are interested.....the problem with my special interests and obsessions is that NO ONE ELSE has any interest in them whatsoever.  I know that sounds like an exaggerated blanket proclamation, but I assure you that it is not.  I tend to find deep and profound fascination in the most abstract and mundane things....no one else cares AT ALL.

Hello Daniel

Your predicament sounds VERY frustrating.  There are a few things going on in your writing above (as I perceive it,) and from what I can discern, I can offer you some advice - although I am not sure it will be that useful?

The one thing that jumped out at me the most were your words was "I just have this sense that I shouldn't be enjoying this sort of stuff."

In my opinion, unless you are able to make peace with the fact that this 'thing' is 'your thing' then you will always be feeling shame and anxiety about it.  Accordingly, my advice to you would be to pursue your 'thing' with other people who similarly like that thing too.

Whilst I do hear you about the trouble of interacting effectively with others (due to autism) - I think this is the lesser problem for you in this instance........the primary problem is a lack of self-acceptance of your peccadillo.

Perhaps you should tackle this problem of yours in stages - rather than trying to do everything all at once.

Firstly, perhaps you should visit online spaces where your 'thing' is shared with loads of other people.  Rather than trying to involve yourself initially, spend some time being cognisant of ALL THE OTHER PEOPLE who like your thing too.  Hopefully, if you can be mindful of the number of people, variety of people and happiness/confidence of those people in dealing with your "thing," then your confidence and self-acceptance of your enjoyment of it can become more normalised and acceptable to you.

Secondly, perhaps you could try to pin-point the individual people in those spaces with whom you feel some resonance and connection.  Then, rather than trying to "get involved", you could simply try to reach out and make one or two individual connections with some of those people.  It is MUCH easier to disclose your autistic identity one-on-one......you can explain your other challenges that this brings.

And finally, when you have self-accepted your "thing", found one or two "friends" with whom you can discuss your love of the subject with......then, and only then.....you can embark on thinking about how to get more fully integrated into the "scene."

I hope this might be helpful to you.  I apologise for my repeated use of "thing" - it was the only way I could communicate - please rest assured that no rudeness nor implication is intended by that shorthand.

I wish you luck, brave soul.

Kind regards

Number.

Don’t call yourself thick, I suspect we’re just both falling in to the pitfalls and struggles of communicating as autistic people.

Oh don’t worry that’s more me being thick than your ability to express what you mean, which you did perfectly well!

Yeah, that is more what I was looking for, but I still found your response helpful, just a bit a of understanding is always nice. But you have nicely proven my point of struggling to get myself across on forums and online haha

Fair. I slightly misunderstood I think, it makes sense that you’d prefer to stick to generalities and I appreciate that you really just want to feel like you’re not the only one with complicating factors around your special interest. 

Hi, thanks for response. There are places, but honestly, I really struggle interacting online. This forum is probably the most I ever managed to interact online. I worry a lot about how I come across, and honestly, people online can be pretty mean or text can be easily misunderstood.

I’m sure no one here would kink shame, but I still feel this forum isn’t the place to engage in that sort of talk.

Hey Daniel. 

"(nothing illegal I will add)" - this, and your own personal comfort levels in what you want to share relatively anonymously on a public forum, is all that matters. I'm sure nobody here would want to kink-shame you. Sorry to hear you're less empowered around whatever it is than you'd like, and maybe in the future there'll be some path towards greater self-agency in that area for you.

It must be frustrating not to be able to talk about it, or feel unsure that you can without fear of (hopefully unlikley) condemnation. Are there maybe forums/online spaces dedicated to that specific niche where you can chat more freely with definitely likeminded people?