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Shame and anxiety about special interest?

Daniel

Ok, I’m not going to talk about what my special interest is because it’s on the “spicy/saucy/naughty” side (nothing illegal I will add) and I’d rather not get banned from this space.

Because of its nature and societies general views on such things, I can end up feeling very anxious about it and get a sense of shame. It’s something I really love to read and learn about but at times it just feels like this impossible thing to do as I just have this sense that I shouldn’t be enjoying this sort of stuff. It’s really hard to talk to people about it and find other like minded people who are ok with you just info dumping about it.

Also because of my additional support needs it can be really hard to be involve and do things around it and that I want to do. It can just leave me with this sense of being unfulfilled and inferior to others. I struggle to self advocate and express what I want, and when I do I can come across as pushy or demanding or obsessive about something, I just can’t seem to get a balance.

I’m ranting a bit now, just wondering if anyone else has similar thoughts and feelings around their special interests and being able to take part?

Parents

  • I am a bit similar in a way. I'm a big Doctor Who fan, which is very popular these days, but I became a fan in the 90s when it wasn't on TV and was a bit of a popular laughing-stock. I was bullied at school for liking it (albeit the bullies would probably have found something else to bully me about if I hadn't been into it) and to this day, I feel uncomfortable talking about it with "normal" people, only with die-hard fans. Unfortunately, the thought of going to a convention scares me (so many people!) and I drifted out of internet fandom years ago for various reasons and haven't been able to get back into it, so it's a pretty solitary thing for me, or was, until I got my fiancee into it. We were long-distance, so it was something we could do together, to watch and then talk about it. I would like to talk to other fans, but I feel I just don't know how to get back into fandom, which seems to be on platforms I don't use much (podcasts, Twitter).

  • in reply to Luftmentsch

    I had that same thing in school. I never hid my Who fandom as that would have felt like betrayal of the thing that was always there for me no matter what, but I did get mocked a bit. It was never bullying really, more a kind of confusion in them that I could possibly like this thing so much that wasn’t on any more and featured these ‘old men’. I was asked at one point if I was gay because of that aspect. I was nonplussed why that would be assumed or was even relevant. 
    One funny thing that sticks in my memory is some well-meaning people in my Year at school crossing paths with me on the way home, chatting briefly, not overly friendly but not unpleasantly. And they saw Doctor Who Magazine sticking out of my bag and said ‘seriously, why can’t you watch something more cool?’ I said ‘like what’ and the answer given was… ‘Saved by the Bell’. I said nothing so as not to offend. I can’t imagine a more cringe show, even then I found it naff beyond belief. It’s message appeared to be: there are two species in life : happy conformists and ridiculous nerds. The latter were barely human, basically portrayed as a uniform species of nasal voiced mouth breathers in ill fitting ‘professor’ type clothes. There appeared to be one honourable exception: a sort of normie/nerd hybrid, Screech, who was permitted to hang out with the cool ones as a sort of time ‘it’s ok, he makes an effort’ type. It was depressing beyond belief and deeply unfunny. I saw nothing of value in it whatsoever. And which show has stood the test of time? What came back and made a whole new generation of struggling people fall in love with it and find hope in it again? I rest my case. 

  • in reply to Shardovan

    Shard, whilst I generally think of you as my age, when I read this story, I realised that you remain a very young person.  In my day, there was only one thing worth watching on TV for school kids = no arguments/bullying, but lots of kids practicing Hong Kong Phooey moves on each other.

    Simpler times!

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