Shame and anxiety about special interest?

Hello Daniel

Your predicament sounds VERY frustrating.  There are a few things going on in your writing above (as I perceive it,) and from what I can discern, I can offer you some advice - although I am not sure it will be that useful?

The one thing that jumped out at me the most were your words was "I just have this sense that I shouldn't be enjoying this sort of stuff."

In my opinion, unless you are able to make peace with the fact that this 'thing' is 'your thing' then you will always be feeling shame and anxiety about it.  Accordingly, my advice to you would be to pursue your 'thing' with other people who similarly like that thing too.

Whilst I do hear you about the trouble of interacting effectively with others (due to autism) - I think this is the lesser problem for you in this instance........the primary problem is a lack of self-acceptance of your peccadillo.

Perhaps you should tackle this problem of yours in stages - rather than trying to do everything all at once.

Firstly, perhaps you should visit online spaces where your 'thing' is shared with loads of other people.  Rather than trying to involve yourself initially, spend some time being cognisant of ALL THE OTHER PEOPLE who like your thing too.  Hopefully, if you can be mindful of the number of people, variety of people and happiness/confidence of those people in dealing with your "thing," then your confidence and self-acceptance of your enjoyment of it can become more normalised and acceptable to you.

Secondly, perhaps you could try to pin-point the individual people in those spaces with whom you feel some resonance and connection.  Then, rather than trying to "get involved", you could simply try to reach out and make one or two individual connections with some of those people.  It is MUCH easier to disclose your autistic identity one-on-one......you can explain your other challenges that this brings.

And finally, when you have self-accepted your "thing", found one or two "friends" with whom you can discuss your love of the subject with......then, and only then.....you can embark on thinking about how to get more fully integrated into the "scene."

I hope this might be helpful to you.  I apologise for my repeated use of "thing" - it was the only way I could communicate - please rest assured that no rudeness nor implication is intended by that shorthand.

I wish you luck, brave soul.

Kind regards

Number.

Or, as Limmy would say, your 'hing. 

Does that class as hate speech to a bot?  I continue my research........thanks for being my guinea pig on this occasion.......and for the record, I neither ever want you to shut up and you are demonstrably not a thicko (and I wouldn't care a jot even if you were.)

positively Pythonesque

Disambiguation.........for any human souls watching with bemusement.......Number is trying to get into the mind of a bot !  There isn't much space in here !!!!!

FAST !!!!!!!   YOU *** WAD !

THICK AND

COME AT YOU

WHEN I

PERHAPS

AND ANOTHER THING.....................

Nice, nice !  Are you serious, is that honestly the best you can do?  I take the time to reassure you and the only god damn thing you can muster is to call me "nice."  Well, I'll tell you this for nothing, chum, I'm not having it.  I'm going to call you all the adjectives I can fathom - ugly, stupid, dumb, short, tall, deluded, handsome.  AND, FOR THE GRAND FINALE - I'M GOING TO EMPHACISE MY POINT WITH SOME BAD SPELING AND LOTS OF CAPATAL LETTERS - AND THE LINE WITH THE DOTS SO THERE !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nice, nice !  Are you serious, is that honestly the best you can do?  I take the time to reassure you and the only god damn thing you can muster is to call me "nice."  Well, I'll tell you this for nothing, chum, I'm not having it.  I'm going to call you all the adjectives I can fathom - ugly, stupid, dumb, short, tall, deluded, handsome.  AND, FOR THE GRAND FINALE - I'M GOING TO EMPHACISE MY POINT WITH SOME BAD SPELING AND LOTS OF CAPATAL LETTERS - AND THE LINE WITH THE DOTS SO THERE !!!!!!!!!!!!!

positively Pythonesque