Hello and AQ Test

“I find it difficult to work out what is and isn’t the autism”….You’re preachin to the choir brother!  Of course I’m not claiming to be autistic at this point. Might not ever. But it’s not lookin good for the kid….

I’m not sure I’d describe a persistent “butterfly” feeling but I have had times where I’ve had a low-lying anxiety that I haven’t wholly been able to explain. I’m still trying to get my head around masking, but part of me thinks this might have been at times when my “work mask” is getting a bit worn out and worrying about getting found out. 

Sorry - I don’t know how helpful that is. Having only ever experienced my brain I find it difficult to work out what is and isn’t the autism sometimes…

Hi Rusty. Was any of that relatable? I’m really trying get a handle on autism and if I have it. Any evidence anecdotal or not for or against is appreciated. Thanks. 

Yes, I envisioned the ‘No’ scenario. TBH idk if I’d be bummed or relieved. Probably something in between being no worse for the experience I’d hope. I think that’s part of the ambivalence.  

Personally, after a lifetime dominated by anxiety and feeling somehow different and apart, the prospect of an ‘answer’ as to why is tantalising. 

Diagnosis, if it comes, is no magic bullet I’m sure, but I’m still hopeful it would help in some way. 

One issue is that after a long time of suspecting and then waiting for assessment, if the opinion is no, what do you do then?

However, If I can improve my life in some way based on what I see as helping the ‘autistic’ me now, before assessment, then I have improved my life regardless of assessment outcome. 

I know I’ve gone on about me but hopefully it adds something to the discussion. 

John C said:

nebulous

Bang on!

Thank you for the reply. I’m somewhat ambivalent regarding getting a diagnosis. And then for some reason I find thinking about it exhausting. That doesn’t happen with too many things I think about. Why this subject I’m not sure. The ONLY thing a diagnosis would accomplish for me is self knowledge. But after a lifetime of feeling different and not really understanding it might be worth it! But then, yes, I’d be wondering if the assessment was correct. As I stated earlier I’m starting to find some of this very nebulous. 

I most certainly accept the spirit of what you say John C, and on the surface of it, wholly agree........and yet.....ultimately, irrespective of what someone "tells" you, unless you are prepared to "appropriate" a condition, syndrome or illness for yourself, then the uncertainty abounds forever.

These pages are littered with stories of mis-diagnosis.....both YES and NO for autism.  In equal measure, they seem to have caused those poor souls considerable pain.

Similarly, there are many late diagnosed folks on these pages who have been able to successfully hide their own fundamental realities from themselves for more than half a century (I am one of those) so expecting others to be able to unpick those well practised self-taught lies and deceptions/accommodations of one's self  can be no mean feat for even the most accomplished assessor.

I think, on the balance of probabilities, the most important "diagnosis" that one can receive is self proclaimed and accompanied with complete and unmitigated acceptance.  Anything less than that is unlikely to be helpful.

Needless to say, having data on the matter at hand (ie yourself) and the seeking the opinion(s) of other humans who have dedicated their lives to understanding the personalities, traits, behaviours and lifestyles of other humans *CAN BE* very useful.....or not?!

Any human over the age of 18 years is highly unlikely to receive any practical benefit or support whether they are "officially" deemed autistic or not.

The key to happiness is to "know thy self" and to make peace with that.  That takes time and, most assuredly, labels of any description cannot help with that task.

Thoughtfully, and with kind regards

Number.

I should also make it clear that I don’t know if I’m autistic. I’m kinda hoping it may be somewhat ruled in or out by folks on the board reading my texts. But it becoming evident that that’s not realistic or fair to people here. But im stressing that im undiagnosed and really have no idea if I have autism or not. Very important to not appropriate any condition, syndrome or illness. 

I’m left handed but I do a lot of things R handed. But I think most or all lefties are like that it being a R handed world and all.  

Oh yea........keep an eye out for me please....I'm dangerously dumb at times.

I hope the visit to your mum was a happy one.

I’m cross dominant, which for me means I write with my left hand but will favour my right hand for near enough every other task.

When I was in the stage of pondering “Ooh, is that the autism?” about everything, I did find a few websites and forums suggesting a link between this and autism. None of the sources seemed to be particularly reliable from a scientific viewpoint though - more anecdotal. 

I’m also left handed and colorblind. I just read the L handed might be an autism clue? Maybe the colorblindness but doesn’t seem as much. 

Thanks. Personally, I’m at risk of pinning too much on a diagnosis as I’m so desperate for answers to why I am constantly anxious.

Although I understand that a diagnosis won’t be a magic cure, i cant help but have this in my mind, even subconsciously, when completing tests or thinking about any traits.

John C I feel the same way about self diagnosis, I need that external objective opinion. Hopefully I’ll get that here on the NHS although it’ll be quite a wait. I hope your insurance covers it and you don’t have to wait too long. 

It's not realliy a bias though when you answer these tests so don't worry about it too much, if it feels like "uh yeah I do actually" then it probably is right, and if you can be mindful of your own emotions when taking them there is difference between saying "no that doesn't apply" just because you don't relate vs being in denial.

It did actually so thanks very much!

Hi Rusty. I’ll explain as best I can. In my late teens or 20’s I became aware of a butterfly feeling in my chest. I’d felt that before but not constant like I was at the time. It subsided eventually as it felt like crisis level. Other than the butterfly feeling there was nothing really wrong. But it was still somewhat there but at a much lower level. And it’s been that way ever since. Not always low though. I still have ‘episodes?’ where it becomes intolerable. That probably didn’t answer your question. 

I find it very difficult to answer these tests objectively as i don’t always have great insight into different aspects of my personality. It helped to talk to my wife who was like ‘duh, that’s exactly what you do, etc.’  The trouble is that the ‘autistic’ answer is generally very obvious so you are making a conscious decision to pick that one or not. 

I’ve just been as accurate as possible and given the AQ10 score and narrative description that my psychologist took from me in order to do a referral, I’m hopeful that I will be accepted for a formal assessment. 

John C said:

There’s another trait I’ve had for a very long time. Background anxiety.

Could you just elaborate on what you mean by that? I’m just curious about what that looks like for you. 

By the way, my AQ test scores have varied a little as well. They’re always in mid- to high- 30s, with the one used for my formal diagnosis coming out at 38. 

Thank you Sam. I think I started taking it multiple times because of the results of friends and family. What was I missing? And then I thought well maybe I’ll try to answer more like what I think a ‘normal’ person would without lying. I mean if that was the problem. But then it became apparent that I wasn’t sure which way the ‘right’ answer went. Never got below 32 or 33. So the last test I took was more natural and the score was higher. My first score was the highest. Maybe it just subconscious camouflaging that drove the subsequent scores lower? Idk…this is all pretty new to me.