Could someone please help me understand

This sounds overwhelming and frightening. Would you be open to finding an Autistic Therapist and see if you cannot face this with them? 

Many of our past experiences and memories lie dormant, some unresolved. And as we grow we can either keep piling more stuff on top of them and just get on with things, like letting a garden just weed over, or begin to tend to our selves, identify unmet needs, begin self-care and awareness and do some mental and emotional "gardening". If we stick to the analogy of a garden for our mental growth, there is always the possibility of accidentally unearthing or tripping over a thing which has surfaced as we've tilled soil or dug up interesting patches. It sounds to me as if a concept you found interesting is involved somehow in what's buried somewhere in your sub-conscious, somewhere below the surface that with some practical steps you may be able to access with better clarity. These memories are probably in need of a sort of healing from.

When we're young, I believe we have these human senses which can recognise a concept well beyond our years, or well before we have the understanding of how to identify what's happening, whether it's the physics of acoustics or the psychology and sociology of  an exchange between two people. Sometimes we simply see a situation as scary, but years later after reflection might recognise it wasn't just scary - but deadly! I have several memories that occasionally pop back to mind when I was almost kidnapped or raped - even one where I was nearly lunch for a bear in the middle of nowhere-Montana camping and off on a walk alone. The adrenaline surge I had at the time was a partial blinder to just how life-affecting those situations could've been. Because my default is to usually freeze. 

The other thing here is that memories stored in a very wild imagination, when remembered, can impact us in such a way as if they're happening in the present. The imagination is a powerful place. 

These are things I've learned over the years about being human. I've watched parents become bitter or not grow and have thought, I don't want to be like this when I'm old which may mean doing a great deal of emotional work now. There are things I cannot resolve, but have simply learned to - out loud - walk myself though all the things beyond my control, the social and economical things at play, a sort of acceptance 'formula'. As I've gotten older I've also experienced some things which greatly mattered once, or mattered intensely for years, at some point, doesn't. Mostly, this is from learning about the human condition and other times learning about not investing my time with the wrong people, and so on.

I'm not sure if this helps. Just know I'd like to. x

Thankyou so very much Juniper. Today I wrote down my experiences and actually gave them to a GP. 

I get research ideas that jump to previous ones, some that link and others that don't. It prompts further ideas. Then I also have ideas for painting or drawing and I'm playing music in my head. Having internal conversations with myself and also imaginary conversations with others. I'm exploring different scenarios and problem solving and remembering random things from childhood good and bad. I'm planning things and playing with concepts. And so many other things.

It triggers by itself and runs out of control and I can't stop it. The noise in my head becomes so loud that my ears hurt but the sound is internal. I also think in images and it becomes so much.

My GP today told those experiences are due to autism. I only have a private diagnosis and I'm waiting an NHS one.

I do have memories that need to be resolved. And perhaps I should face them.

What you've been through is awful and I truly hope that you're ok. I'm upset for you.

Thank you. But also - I survived! The wounds of a parent far outweigh life's near misses. I see us as fragile but - resilient like fungi or a giant plant in motion (not resilient like society uses the term). Capable of recovery. Everything is repairable. And sometimes once repaired, actually stronger than before (a bit like our ligaments).

It sounds to me like you could have your GABA levels checked as they're responsible for swooping in and helping everything lighting up in your heard calm back down. A wee police squad. They're oddly also the gut-brain connexion (which I felt skeptical about until this year - I just needed to do my own research). when things are truly beyond control for me like this I do take a quarter dose of a benzodiazepine, but it's more rare now. I've found some new research showing that Au and ADHD will have difficulty shutting down excitement, which accelerates into anxiety (they're the same "brain chemistry"). And I've found that small dose of benzo- also gives me a clearer head to think through the problem and begin to solve it, so the impact slowly dies down. Eventually, resolved or unresolved, I can take necessary steps in the moment to think -through if the memory reappears. 

It also sounds like you have much to offer and a great deal of untapped talent / potential just waiting to flood out! Perhaps always set aside time for art and time for whatever you're researching :) 

Pikl said:

jumbled emotions or out of place emotions

Just a quick thought about this: Emotions are the response to the outcome or the summary of a "problem" or logic formula, such as X + Y > Z

X = a thing in motion, something happens

Y = our perceptions / beliefs / bias

Z = our summary or "argument" on the matter

So, if I believe ghosts exist (Y) and something moves in my peripheral vision (X) and I might immediately default to the assumption a life-force from another dimension is present (Z -as you can see there's a lot of things at play within one conclusion someone may draw). That conclusion, in a split second, will probably give me a fright, the emotion.

This sort of equation happens all the time. I think what we have to deal with, is compounded frustration and confusion from not being helped to understand our intensities and feelings. This may create a jumbled up-ness. But you will have emotions somewhere appropriate to the formula. What's good to interrogate over time, is my beliefs and bias. I recall someone saying you can tell much about a person by what they spend money and time on and these can be clues into their understanding of the world. 

Pikl said:

jumbled emotions or out of place emotions

Just a quick thought about this: Emotions are the response to the outcome or the summary of a "problem" or logic formula, such as X + Y > Z

X = a thing in motion, something happens

Y = our perceptions / beliefs / bias

Z = our summary or "argument" on the matter

So, if I believe ghosts exist (Y) and something moves in my peripheral vision (X) and I might immediately default to the assumption a life-force from another dimension is present (Z -as you can see there's a lot of things at play within one conclusion someone may draw). That conclusion, in a split second, will probably give me a fright, the emotion.

This sort of equation happens all the time. I think what we have to deal with, is compounded frustration and confusion from not being helped to understand our intensities and feelings. This may create a jumbled up-ness. But you will have emotions somewhere appropriate to the formula. What's good to interrogate over time, is my beliefs and bias. I recall someone saying you can tell much about a person by what they spend money and time on and these can be clues into their understanding of the world.