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My girlfriend has autism and she's really struggling with work. It's starting to affect our relationship and I don't know what to do

PeppinoPizza

Hi all, hopefully this is the right thread to post in. Me and my girlfriend have been together for a couple years now. She was very upfront with me about her autism and how it affects her, and I've been trying my best to be understanding and supportive in our daily lives together (e.g I do the dishes because of her sensory overload, she does the dusting which I hate etc etc).

About a year ago, she quit her job in graphic design due to it being too overwhelming. She was telling me she was on the verge of self harming and having suicidal thoughts, so I agreed with her that this would be the right decision. Unfortunately, this put all the financial responsibility on me, leaving me to pay all the rent, electrcity, internet, and food bills. Of course this put a bit of stress on our relationship because on the one hand I wanted to be supportive and understanding, on the other hand we had the real life implications of only one of us earning, especially exacerbated by cost of living etc. A couple months after quitting, she found a job in a coffee shop. Unfortunately, she was let go at the end of her probation due to issues relating to sickness and lateness. Luckilly she managed to find a gig as a waitress in a hotel pretty much the same weekend. This is even worse than any of her previous jobs as she works crazy hours, has to deal with noisy customers, and terrible managers. She's already had to come home early from her shift a couple times already due to meltdowns. Today, she was sent home early again. This time due to her getting overwhelmed by the noise, causing her to get orders wrong amongst other issues. Her manager called her in, and told her that she should go home because he can clearly see she's not performing at her best.

Essentially, what I'm trying to say is this whole situation is not doing good for my mental health. I have a whole lot of stress going on from my side, having to manage my job, the bills, organising her calander (she constantly forgets to write things down and ends up missing / making conflicting appointments). I understand the sitaution must be way worse for her than it is for me, but that actually makes me more stressed as I don't want to show how bad it's been for me in order to not upset her, because she doesn't want to be stressing me out. I'm constantly worrying if she's going to message me to ask me to come pick her up, and who knows if/when she's going to get fired again. 

We're still waiting for PIP to get back to us about her claim, because if she gets that then at least she can cut down her hours somewhat, but in the mean time this whole situation is putting a massive strain on our relationship. I'm trying to remain calm, be understanding and thoughtful, but at the same time I can't help but feel stressed, frustrated and annoyed. 

Any advice would be very helpful. 

  • i think you might have to come to terms with the fact she may not be able to work long term unless she finds a job that isn't so overwhelming and decide whether you would like to financially support someone you love.   her value is more than the things she can/can't do.  you keep mentioning how stressed YOU are and how annoyed YOU are.  I can tell you from personal experience that she is way more stressed and annoyed at her situation than you are.  she is trying her best already by keeping going for jobs.  she isn't there purely to make your life less stressful by doing only what you expect of her!  

  • Carer's support might be helpful. You have an entitlement to that.

    Some specialist job coaching for her, maybe. It sounds like she's been in jobs not suited to her needs, but it's a question of finding one that is. Front of house definately not it I think.

    I hear and understand your stress and hers. 

  • Talk to her about how you feel.  Communication is vital.

  • I would assume she’s taking those jobs rather than no job, because she’s aware of the situation you are both in. I think she needs to take some time looking for a job she can manage. Is she actually aware of her limitations energy wise? And is she taking into account her sensory issues? It doesn’t sound like it. 
    As for you, you are experiencing life’s issues for an autistic person, and you are dealing with the fallout. It’s a very tough position to be in, and you need to try and be gentle with yourself. You can’t do everything, and you will have to accept that. You should also explain to your girlfriend how things are affecting you. You have a right to do this, as you are suffering too. It’s no one’s fault. It is what it is. You’ll just have to support each other and try to ride the wave of emotions. 
    Money wise, I’m sure your girlfriend can get jobseeker’s while she looks for work. It isn’t much, but it’s something. Failing that, go on the givers website and see if she qualifies for universal credit. PIP is horrendous, and not many people get awarded it. This has been the case for my daughter with ASD and ADHD, so I haven’t even bothered myself. 

  • in reply to JuniperFromGallifrey

    I was for a while a field service engineer, and to be honest, having absolute power over my customer suited me very well indeed.

    I'd get there and their stuff wasn't working, which was a major stressor because it was their payments collection and transfer system I was fixing, and often they had other beefs with previous engineers or the company or the product. 

    Literally, only I could save their day...

    So I'd apologise quickly for being late, or the company being rubbish etc, and offer to get into it more fully later; "But first can I fix the machine and get you going again?" I'd do a proper job fixing the machine, then ask for the supervisor and give them the choice of "I know you are busy, but there are a couple of things I can pass on if you have the time that will make the machine more reliable and require much less service calls... 

    I liked the simplicity and clarity of the situations. Which I agree, you don't get with some forms of customer service, but all I had to do to be a star (and win a cup of tea, always the metric of a successful service call) was to fix their stuff, and fixing things and people is my specialist skill. But only in a limited setting, where I know what I am doing, and can take charge of the situation. 

  • Customer service jobs are ill-suited for Autistics. The demands are for a NT brain type. Unless we're the one making a thing and just absolutely dedicated and no one is holding us back from our best performance (creative technician like a baker or roaster). She'll be far more burnt out from these than design. They require executive function and the ability to 'read' others (relate with and respond as desired without clarifying).

    We thrive in areas with specialised skills which we easily excel at. 

  • 1. Don't count on pip or any other government assistance, unless you are in any of the "preferred" groups. If you are, you will know, they will be nice to you, if not they'll treat you like crap..

    2. Your G/F is going for rubbish jobs. tell her to use her skill and follow the money. Contract work is better, I found because one can always seen an end to the suffering, and if you actually like the client you can allow them an extension if they want one.

    3. Adjust your budget now, for the changed circumstances as if they were permanent. 

    I hope you get better advice, but this is a start...