No idea where my life is going...

I’ve always felt this way long before my later in life diagnosis at age 51 in 2021, as one by one, my hopes, dreams and ambitions for my life slipped away, the last of which were my hopes for retirement/pensions when I reach retirement age, as during Covid, I’d discovered that all my pensions were gone, on top of not being able to visit family because of travel restrictions - at age 52 now, I face a very bleak future, yet I’ve never had a good childhood to start with - Covid just made things far worse and Christmas 2022 was even more heartbreaking than Christmas 2020 - since my diagnosis, family in Ireland have become far less understanding and use my diagnosis as yet another stick to beat me with, given thier refusal to understand, so I’m beginning to wonder what their true motivations and purposes were in “encouraging” me to get a later in life diagnosis in 2019, as surely they must have known that adult autism support is far more limited compared to children’s services - I’d come through a lot of bullying in my life (and punished for being bullied) - frankly, due to thier childhood traumas arising from disapproval of both thier and grandparents respective marriages, my parents were never suited to relationship nor married life and above all, bringing a child into the world, so I should have been sent to live with my grandparents family, taken into care, fostered or adopted - my case is textbook for how social services operate now and rightly so where difficult decisions have to be made in the best interests of a child, relating to certain types of relationships that are considered “inappropriate” or otherwise, where social services will (quite rightly) intervene to take that child out of that situation as part of thier legal and moral responsibility - I see certain types of relationships now and I cringe, such as Down syndrome, drink, drug, mental health, etc and I’ve come to believe that such relationships must never be allowed to form in the first place, especially if there is the potential for a child to be born, that couple must never be allowed to become parents 

I’ve always felt this way long before my later in life diagnosis at age 51 in 2021, as one by one, my hopes, dreams and ambitions for my life slipped away, the last of which were my hopes for retirement/pensions when I reach retirement age, as during Covid, I’d discovered that all my pensions were gone, on top of not being able to visit family because of travel restrictions - at age 52 now, I face a very bleak future, yet I’ve never had a good childhood to start with - Covid just made things far worse and Christmas 2022 was even more heartbreaking than Christmas 2020 - since my diagnosis, family in Ireland have become far less understanding and use my diagnosis as yet another stick to beat me with, given thier refusal to understand, so I’m beginning to wonder what their true motivations and purposes were in “encouraging” me to get a later in life diagnosis in 2019, as surely they must have known that adult autism support is far more limited compared to children’s services - I’d come through a lot of bullying in my life (and punished for being bullied) - frankly, due to thier childhood traumas arising from disapproval of both thier and grandparents respective marriages, my parents were never suited to relationship nor married life and above all, bringing a child into the world, so I should have been sent to live with my grandparents family, taken into care, fostered or adopted - my case is textbook for how social services operate now and rightly so where difficult decisions have to be made in the best interests of a child, relating to certain types of relationships that are considered “inappropriate” or otherwise, where social services will (quite rightly) intervene to take that child out of that situation as part of thier legal and moral responsibility - I see certain types of relationships now and I cringe, such as Down syndrome, drink, drug, mental health, etc and I’ve come to believe that such relationships must never be allowed to form in the first place, especially if there is the potential for a child to be born, that couple must never be allowed to become parents