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Help please..how to keep a relationship with my daughter who is cutting me out

Joanna319

Hello, I am totally confused and hurt and need some advice please regarding communication with my daughter (25).

We have a delicate relationship since she came back into my life a few years ago following my divorce when she was 13, that resulted in no contact for 10 years that broke my heart. We have slowly been building what I thought was a loving and caring relationship very much on her terms, ie no talk of the past, no demands from me, or discussion of the bad depression I was plagued with, so I accepted the occasional trips out for coffee and visits with gratitude, a smile and my ‘perfect mother’ mask.

I then went through a very difficult time with admissions to hospital and an operation that has left me totally bedbound and helpless, with no one to help. During my first 10 day stay, I was a bit hurt that she never came to visit or offered any help despite living just 10 minutes away. When I did ask once if she could drop some shopping off after work (she is a 6th form teacher) she just said she wasn’t going to the shops until next week.

A few weeks later, she messaged to ask how I was (I can’t use the phone..) but couldn’t answer as I was suffering with severe vertigo and sickness that meant I couldn’t move or open my eyes as a result of side effects from my operation that had been going on for 10 days. I was lying in bed covered in vomit desperate for someone to find me, and prayed she would come when I didn’t answer and realise something was wrong.

I heard nothing for 4 days until she finally asked what was going on, and I could manage to message back I needed help, so she called an ambulance but didn’t come herself even though she was at home. I spent another week in hospital, again with no visit, and had to get a taxi home although I was still very ill. I had kept her updated on everything and said I was struggling badly both physically and mentally, but she never replied.

She apologised for not replying, saying she had been off work for the past 2 weeks feeling ‘stressed’ and then didn’t answer my message asking what was going on and saying I was worried about her until 2 weeks later when she messaged that she had been prioritising herself for a change and taking some time out. The girl lives alone in her own beautiful house, no kids, a boyfriend and job she loves that pays her well with no money worries, a successful hobby as a bodybuilder, lots of family and friends so am at a bit of a loss where the stress comes from, or anything she ever does for anyone else. All her Insta & FB posts are always about herself and her satisfaction with how great her body is, to get all the comments about how wonderful she looks.

I spent those 2 weeks waiting for a reply getting more and more distressed that she really didn’t care about me, knowing I had no one else and was very isolated, depressed and lonely, and didn’t want any of the support I always offered her through difficulties.

I am at a loss now how to reply..I normally just put my feelings aside and play by her rules  accepting whatever she gives me, but lord, I’ve been so hurt and don’t understand her apparent indifference and lack of awareness how such things affect me that it’s made me quite angry. I cannot fathom if I am being too sensitive, or she really has no interest or empathy for anything or anyone outside her own little world, including me. I have realised the times she did contact me was when she was with someone else, telling me she loved me only when someone else was listening, so I began to think she was using me to ‘virtue signal’ to them.

I don’t want to damage what we do have, she’s all I’ve got, but also want her to know how it made me feel. I’m sorry for the long post, but if anyone can give me a clearer perspective and how to answer I would be grateful, I have managed to lose every single other relationship with family and friends and don’t want to make any more mistakes..

  • You are right to open a discussion here, as clearly you are distressed physiologically, mentally and emotionally.

    I would say that it may be a positive development, to seek interaction in the community and with professionals, to break-up some of the reliance you have on your daughter. As clearly she is struggling to meet some of the demands of the relationship.

    I don’t doubt that your daughter has a wealth of trauma of her own; from the past, from work, and concerning your current relationship.
    Despite the projection of confidence that your daughter displays, it is rarely the case that people post online because they do not have self-esteem issues, Your daughter may not even be aware of the full extent of her trauma.

    As cold as it seems, the maturity of adulthood does reduce the idol-like institution-of-parenting, to a more mutual-level as a course of nature.  
    As such it may be useful to consider the balance between the two of you, and address it as you might a friendship, where both parties need to be satisfied with a meeting.  
    If the balance of your welfare cannot be addressed by your daughter alone, you may need to spread it out over multiple-areas, because your daughter is physiologically, mental and emotionally snowed-under too. It is a point that virtue-signallers rarely have their own house in order.

    So to summarise, as hard as it is, and acknowledging that I am of no more understanding than you. I think you should reduce your level of dependence on your daughter for your own well-being.  

    Post here as much as you need to and we’ll respond and try to reassure you and listen to you. You deserve to have more enjoyment in your life, you deserve support, and you don’t seem to getting enough..)

  • It sounds like you’re having a tough time. I know this is a bit off topic to your question but I can’t help wondering why the hospital have sent you home alone if you are bedbound and unable to look after yourself? Where I work we would arrange carers to visit, it must be so miserable for you to be unwell and alone.

    Your daughter - I agree with Zoe and Jessica it sounds like you do need a proper talk with her but one that goes both ways. Hopefully she can be really open with you about how she is feeling about everything, please try not to make assumptions about her life from her social media posts. A lot of people only post the good things or even fabricate the good. She may well be dealing with job stress (wouldn’t surprise me as she is a teacher) or cost of living money worries or relationship issues she’s keeping private. I had a huge parental upheaval in my early teens it’s such a delicate time and can have an ongoing effect and sometimes I would have panic attacks triggered by certain situations or places or words that subconsciously reminded me of that time. My brother still struggles to visit unwell people in hospital due to the nature of what happened, it might not be easy for her to put the past aside despite asking not to directly discuss it.

    I hope that she will accept an invitation from you for a coffee and a talk and that things will get better between you. Have you also considered finding a social group maybe related to some sort of hobby so you can find some people to befriend? 

  • Hey Joanna, 

    First off, I would like to express how sorry I am that this is happening to you. No matter the past, I don't think any mother should ever feel like this. I think an open and honest discussion with her is needed. She needs to hear how you are feeling and how you are struggling to cope with everything going on. She may find this an opportunity to be open and honest too. You may find that actually, she is scared to lose you so is distancing herself so she doesn't get hurt (it's not what I would do, but some people cope this way).

    Although this is a completely different situation, and I'm not entirely sure of yours, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer a few years ago. The day she told me, I went upstairs and didn't speak to her for the day because I just didn't know what to say. The next day, after I had done some googling of what breast cancer meant, how she might be feeling and how I can help, I sat with her and explained why I hadn't spoke to her when she told me. It came down to my pure fear that I was going to have to say goodbye for the last time soon, when actually, the cancer was removed within a month and she is fine. 

    I understand that this may well not be the case, but just incase it is, I wanted to share my experience as a 26 year old, a similar age to your daughter, who struggled to communicate for a while. 

    I really hope things start to get better for you very soon!