Like being around people but find it hard/tiring

Good morning.  I'm still in that twilight zone of 50+  years not knowing -v- 6-8 months of knowing my autistic reality.  Every notable encounter is therefore still an experiment to be observed and analysed in terms of my own feelings and behaviours.....on top of the continuous assessment of how the others I am with are receiving/perceiving me.....how it's going, and I being too loud, too bombastic, too quiet, too moody, too borimg etc.

In essence, t'was ever thus as described above for me - but now there is one BIG difference = I'm not doing all of the above whilst trying to determine if I might actually be one or more of;

a narcissist, bi polar, have multiple personality disorder, bpd, am just an old-fashioned a-hole, have a brain tumour, need to change who I associate with, need to change where I spend my life, need to change EVERYTHING about my life etc etc.

Now that I don't need to try and gather micro data to aid the overall assessment of "what" I am, I find social interaction a much calmer experience for me these recent months.  I notice and understand why I feel tired, why I need to move around a lot, why people start to look bored when I speak of a specialist subject, why I am bored and frustrated by most people, why most people can't fathom my jokes/self amusement, why I'm working so hard, on what and why etc etc etc

I hope my current honeymoon period can last as long as possible.  Calm Number is a happy Number....it allows me to see deeper into me...I am so relieved by what I now understand

Great question above Retired, sorry if I veered off topic somewhat.

That's really positive to hear that you've found benefit and it seems to be a bit less taxing, or that you are being less harsh on yourself. Being calmer is certainly positive!

The conversation sometimes still stops abruptly with me but now I'm just more like "oh well it's happened (again)"/"I've run out of spoons to maintain it anyway" rather than "what did I do wrong".  This analysis however, still takes effort. You're right when you say it's a continuous assessment. It still is for me but through a lens of "aha!".I wonder if there's something in a higher fight or flight state which is where some of the analysis of environment comes from. I don't know why I need to always have a total reason for everything, I should probably just get on with my life. It's not just analysis of what's happened, it's often the underlying reason WHY. 

It's the mode of thinking that I am beginning to understand about myself.  Its HOW I think about things that I define as my mode.  No matter what the subject or issue, I approach the collection and metrics associated with it differently to others AND THEN I seem to often process that unusual jumble differently to others too.

For example, clearing space in a garage - I know every conceivable technique for doing it and don't believe I have excessive sentimentality to throwing things - but getting the OPTIMUM balance of keeping tut "because it will be useful one day" -v- "you need the space" -v- etc.  I am not "obsessed" (dare I say) about any particular thing - but I am obsessively running over the multiplicity of options available to me.

Pretty sure this sort of thing is the perfect storm for a profile like mine - AD AU -DA - Attention disorder, Austistic, Demand avoidant.

It makes sense to get control in areas we can!

I think there's something be said for following things through from the absolute absolute  beginning to the very end. If a job is worth doing its worth doing well and in an authentic way. This idea sometimes permeates into my hobbies and interests. You must get great satisfaction from this type of work.

.....Certainly a control freak in many respects....ironic when my world is generally completely out of control.

.....Certainly a control freak in many respects....ironic when my world is generally completely out of control.

It makes sense to get control in areas we can!