Hello all!
I am new here, so please bear with me as I try to explain a lifetime of difficulties in a few paragraphs...
I watched Chris Packam's 'Inside Our Autistic Mind' yesterday and I ended up in tears throughout quite a bit of it. The things that were being shared by some of the people on the program resonated with me in a huge way.
I'm tired. I've been saying this to myself for a long time now. I want to be a part of social groups, but I find it agonising. I come away from group situations and my nerves feel shot to pieces after a lot of these experiences. It can take me days to calm down again and I feel like my mind is wading through sludge, I can't get my thoughts/emotions to settle and I am randomly tearful. Sometimes I am OK with these situations, but it's as if there is a specific line I cross and then my mind and emotions are in complete bits. All I can do when this happens is wait it out and practice my prayer life and reading books etc until it rights itself again. I can see it happening, but I can't do anything to remedy it other than wait.
It's as if there is a deeper part of me that can observe these extreme reactions I am having, but it can't do anything about them other than watch.
I'm 31 years old and I am beginning to seriously question all of my life experiences in the light of what I saw on the program yesterday, and also the research I've spent hours doing since - and also since my brother was diagnosed with autism last year. My brother has explained to me some of what he experiences in social situations with his autism - as he speaks I realise I relate to everything he is saying and I just assumed that is how everyone felt when in social situations! Apparently it isn't!
Some of the things that stood out to me are:
- I mis-read other people's emotions and intentions and usually assume they are reacting negatively to me, and I am an annoyance to them. These days I just have to check with people because I am so unsure what their reaction to me was all about. It's a waste of time trying to figure it out on my own because I am almost always wrong, it seems.
- I was recently 100% convinced that a woman at Church was interested in me as more than friends, and when the topic finally came up in conversation she was completely shocked I had thought this and was surprised I had come to this conclusion. I have avoided relationships for most of my life - especially since I got sober 7 years ago. I find the level of intimacy involved very, very challenging.
- I realised recently I almost never look people in the eye when I am speaking (but I force myself to make eye contact with them when they are replying to me).
- I feel incredible self conscious if I am making eye contact when speaking to others, and it throws me off what I am trying to say. I feel as if my face isn't doing the right thing, maybe my jaw is too clenched, am I pouting my lips too much etc...there is so much to think about that I can't keep my thought flow straight. I tend to look to either side of them when I am speaking, and I also look off into the distance if someone asks me a question and I am thinking about my answer. I also try to make my eyes look interested and kind when in conversation, and try to smile and perform to others to make them laugh and feel comfortable around me. I am always performing and it is exhausting and I'm sick of it.
- I have experienced severe breakdowns/burnout during my Sixth Form second year, Uni second year, during my first job after Uni, after about 2 years into my second job, and then again about 2 years ago after trying to go self-employed as a door fitter. I really liked the work, but I found the anxiety of talking to customers on the phone and via email, being in their houses, and then having small things go wrong with the jobs, all broke me. I went from running a successful business to saying to my mum 'This all has to stop' and then jacking the whole thing in and not being able to work again since. I just can't take the extended periods of anxiety and stress and my body gets sick and my mind shuts down and turns to sludge.
- I have intensely focused interests that give me a lot of comfort and peace. I have always needed an interest to pursue in this way, and don't feel OK unless I am learning something and working toward some goal. I am currently doing this with Church History and Theology and I have hundreds of quotes and written passages that I've written down in my notebooks. I have always been intensely obsessive with things like this - and sometimes if these things don't go well, or quick enough, then I experience intense physical pain caused by the emotional reactions I am having. I seem to register emotional pain in a very physical way, and because of this it makes me afraid to go into situations which cause me emotional distress.
- I don't like having to use showers I am not accustomed to, and I like to use the same type of mug, bowel, plate as often as possible. It can throw me if there isn't one available in the cupboard to use when I want it.
- I love routine and am quite happy doing similar thing week in, week out. I can also happily eat the same things constantly.
- I think and feel insanely intensely and deeply, and have always had a busy, busy mind. My memory is pretty good for most things, but unfortunately it is good when it comes to upsetting things - just recalling a memory can cause me deep emotional and physical distress, even if the event remembered wasn't actually that big a deal, the emotions are just as painful as when it happened when they come back up.
- I am always conscious of how others are reacting and feeling toward me. I consider everything I say very carefully and go over everything again and again. I hate this and find it takes away all peace of mind and wears me out.
Apologies for the long post! I appreciate this isn't the place to get any sort of a diagnosis, but I just wanted to see if what I am experiencing resonates with anyone with Autism? I have booked to see my GP and to start the diagnostic process to see.
If I am Autistic it would explain an awful lot of my life struggles up until now. I think I have been misdiagnosed over the years with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Depression. My anxiety is related to very specific things, and I get depressed because I get so exhausted trying to live in the world with all these things going on that I have described above.
I've spent my whole life forcing myself to be a part of social situations and to attempt to do all the 'normal' life progression stuff - but it's broken me so many times now that I need to find out if I am expecting too much from myself and need to adjust my expectations accordingly. I can't go forward the way I've been living, and this might help me start to put in place coping strategies that could help life to become more manageable.
Thank you all in advance for reading my huge post!
Tim.