A Bit Of Confusion

Thank you for sharing. It does feel good just to put things out there. I used to be incredibly confused which led me to become suicidal (do I want to live or not?). However, I have been very proactive in changing my life over the last few years. I was lucky to come out of that dark place alive, literally. 

The primary issue you have is that you are trying or attempting instead of doing and completing. 

1. attempt to understand myself
2. try to help myself with anxiety
3. try to make a positive change
4. try to make a decision
5. trying too hard

Don't think about trying. Just do things. It's like the Nike motto, Just Do It. It's a legitimately good motto to live by. 

1. Do things, and you'll understand later why you did it. Maybe you won't understand right away, but someday you will. Have faith in yourself, and never try to understand before you do, for that is impossible. 
2. Help your anxiety by following a comprehensive recovery plan for anxiety. It will work. Again, trust yourself and the process. You can get a professional therapist to help with that recovery. 
3. Make a positive change. There is nothing to worry about if you get negative thoughts. Don't fight the negative thoughts, they are there to guide you. You do need to know the difference between a positive thought and a negative thought, however. That is important. 
   1. (example) tell yourself you love yourself when you wake up. That is a positive change. Negative thought could be, "why do I need to tell myself that I love myself every morning? Doesn't that mean I just don't love myself? Isn't that depressing?". But those are fine questions to ask. Nothing wrong with those, even if they are negative types of questions. The answer to those could be: because its a positive thing to do... maybe right now I don't but that's why I'm telling myself every morning that I do, because I want to be able to love myself unconditionally... and maybe it will be depressing for a bit but that will change.
4. Just make a decision. If you can't make a decision that means the decision is too big for you right now. Think about smaller decisions to make until the decision is so easy for you that you make the decision. Those smaller decisions will lead to clarity for bigger decisions. 
   1. lets say someone is so indecisive that they can't get out of bed because they don't know what they will do first thing out of bed. They can't get out of bed because they are skipping steps. First they need to just get out of bed. But if they can't even do that then they need to think even smaller. Move an arm, stretch your fingers. Take a deep breath. Make tiny micro decisions to wake your brain up.  
5. Don't try hard. Work hard. You ought to be a savage when it comes to making changes for the better. Trying harder doesn't always work. Just be. Just work on it. Break down the work into smaller things. Allow yourself to make mistakes. 

Overthinking is usually thinking in circles. Catching yourself thinking in circles is possible. And when you do, don't fight the circle. Understand what the circle is first. Then you can change the circle slightly. This is especially important to understand for autistics because they are so routine oriented and have rigid thinking structures (like circular thinking). 

You aren't destined to be a confused mess. Not unless you want to be. You have to change your perspective. You have to take charge of your own destiny, as they say. 

Thank you Perri,

I think I need a bit of time to process all that.

I've also just had my therapy triage appointment via telephone, and it was awful. She was rude, unsympathetic and judgemental. And a lot of the questions are triggering. I think I need some time to recover from it, than I will read your advice again, when I'm better able to take it in.

I'm sorry to hear this, Pikl. Please be kind to yourself.

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