A Bit Of Confusion

Thank you for sharing. It does feel good just to put things out there. I used to be incredibly confused which led me to become suicidal (do I want to live or not?). However, I have been very proactive in changing my life over the last few years. I was lucky to come out of that dark place alive, literally. 

The primary issue you have is that you are trying or attempting instead of doing and completing. 

1. attempt to understand myself
2. try to help myself with anxiety
3. try to make a positive change
4. try to make a decision
5. trying too hard

Don't think about trying. Just do things. It's like the Nike motto, Just Do It. It's a legitimately good motto to live by. 

1. Do things, and you'll understand later why you did it. Maybe you won't understand right away, but someday you will. Have faith in yourself, and never try to understand before you do, for that is impossible. 
2. Help your anxiety by following a comprehensive recovery plan for anxiety. It will work. Again, trust yourself and the process. You can get a professional therapist to help with that recovery. 
3. Make a positive change. There is nothing to worry about if you get negative thoughts. Don't fight the negative thoughts, they are there to guide you. You do need to know the difference between a positive thought and a negative thought, however. That is important. 
   1. (example) tell yourself you love yourself when you wake up. That is a positive change. Negative thought could be, "why do I need to tell myself that I love myself every morning? Doesn't that mean I just don't love myself? Isn't that depressing?". But those are fine questions to ask. Nothing wrong with those, even if they are negative types of questions. The answer to those could be: because its a positive thing to do... maybe right now I don't but that's why I'm telling myself every morning that I do, because I want to be able to love myself unconditionally... and maybe it will be depressing for a bit but that will change.
4. Just make a decision. If you can't make a decision that means the decision is too big for you right now. Think about smaller decisions to make until the decision is so easy for you that you make the decision. Those smaller decisions will lead to clarity for bigger decisions. 
   1. lets say someone is so indecisive that they can't get out of bed because they don't know what they will do first thing out of bed. They can't get out of bed because they are skipping steps. First they need to just get out of bed. But if they can't even do that then they need to think even smaller. Move an arm, stretch your fingers. Take a deep breath. Make tiny micro decisions to wake your brain up.  
5. Don't try hard. Work hard. You ought to be a savage when it comes to making changes for the better. Trying harder doesn't always work. Just be. Just work on it. Break down the work into smaller things. Allow yourself to make mistakes. 

Overthinking is usually thinking in circles. Catching yourself thinking in circles is possible. And when you do, don't fight the circle. Understand what the circle is first. Then you can change the circle slightly. This is especially important to understand for autistics because they are so routine oriented and have rigid thinking structures (like circular thinking). 

You aren't destined to be a confused mess. Not unless you want to be. You have to change your perspective. You have to take charge of your own destiny, as they say. 

Thank you Perri,

I think I need a bit of time to process all that.

I've also just had my therapy triage appointment via telephone, and it was awful. She was rude, unsympathetic and judgemental. And a lot of the questions are triggering. I think I need some time to recover from it, than I will read your advice again, when I'm better able to take it in.

I'm sorry to hear this, Pikl. Please be kind to yourself.

If you check the terms and conditions of our club membership, I think you will see that "picking up the pieces" is a non-negotiable requirement.

It seems there are professionals who, in their arrogance, don't believe that Autism exists or is a real condition.

May I join you in that? Perhaps picking up the pieces together will lighten the burden.

Pikl said:

. I hope that means the hardest part of your journey is over

Pretty sure it is.

Pikl said:

and that next is a gentle and fulfilling self discovery. 

Pretty sure I'll be picking up the pieces of my profoundly damaged "Normie" life for a while yet = torture!

I'm so glad you did get to the bottom of it. And I'm so pleased it has made sense for you. I hope that means the hardest part of your journey is over, and that next is a gentle and fulfilling self discovery. 

My lightening bolt of realisation hit after 6 very expensive years of trying to work things out and being rather drunk.....a lot.  All other conceivable options (that almost fitted in some senses) had been tried on for size and found to be wrong.

It scares me to think where I could be now if it hadn't got to the bottom of things.  Shudder!

I'm a lucky soul.....now with plenty of characterful and metaphorical scars......and six months sober.  A definite improvement across the board.

My overthinking and my doubts. I was looking for excuses because I was too scared to believe, and too fearful to have it somehow taken away.

I don't think the depressive episode would influence the outcome. I was depressed when my assessment was done and the psychiatrist didn't seem to think that was an issue.

Oh my gosh, you sound exactly like me. Except for the accepting quickly part. I think I never thought I would get an answer, so struggled to believe it when I did.

I had no idea I was autistic, and I think finding out when I was at a place of making plans to take my life was all too much.

I accepted it pretty quickly and have only had positive reinforcement that Autism is the key element of my inexplicability.  It fits every step of my 50+ years of sentience on this planet.  My remaining challenge is sorting through the comorbities to define which bits are "core self" and which bits are personality traits and which bits have been generated by my life experience and undoubted mental health "challenges" in recent times.

I enjoy a good puzzle!

December 2020 I was told by a therapist that I was likely autistic. GP did his assessment then requested a formal assessment,  that was rejected as they don't do them for adults in my area. We appealed and won. But I'd had an assessment done in May 2021 and was diagnosed. My NHS assessment should be around April this year.

I've been denying the private diagnosis because it was done in the middle of a depressive episode, and because my boss said I couldn't be.

But the more I look into it and from sharing myself here, the more I'm beginning to accept it.

How long have you known/suspected?

I'm still working out which way is up

For me personally, no matter where I am (unless I'm working) I feel imposter syndrome.  I don't fit in to most places.....unless I mask, then I can convincingly pretend to fit in almost anywhere (with effort.)

It used to scare me....now I get it.

I haven't even let it explain. Imposter syndrome wouldn't let me accept it, and I used a lot of excuses. I'm just now coming to accept that I am. I was just s a Red that I would believe I was, and finally have answers for the way I am, then be told it wasn't true. 

I've only been aware/identified as Auti since last summer.  I've been much calmer and happier in myself since then....but it definitely doesn't solve anything - it just explains everything!

Haha could be

She said she was a psychologist. She wasn't happy with me at the start of the conversation, but they should understand that certain questions are going to be too hard to answer. It seemed that she changed for the worse the moment that autism was mentioned. Maybe im just seeing it that way, she definitely got impatient with me. 

It's so complicated isn't it, and frustrating.

I'm only just beginning to accept that I'm autistic. Being able to type that is a very recent and huge step for me.

I suspect it was just an evil parking warden in disguise!

I suspect it was just an evil parking warden in disguise!

Haha could be