Published on 12, July, 2020
It sounds like your wife cares about you and your kids but can’t cope. … a space of her own would be ideal. A girl cave as it were. I don’t suppose there is any chance of a garden shed? A place she could lock herself in for an hour when life just feels too much.
when I was a teenager I had a very clingy younger brother. We’re good friends now but at the time it was an issue. I needed space so they put me in my own room, it meant converting the dingy basement into a bedroom but that’s what they did. Even then my brother would invade it any time he wanted attention. It led to fights. So one day in defiance of my parents I put a lock on the door. And I said to them ok be angry with me but before you make me take it off see if it reduces the number of fights. And since it actually helped a lot with that it was hard for them to argue.
the thing that worries me is if she finds the thought of having Aspergers so insulting what must she think of her sons and what must they think she thinks of them. For their sake as much as hers it would be good to address that.
Hey Peter, thank you for your thoughts.I have come to terms with the fact, that highly probably it is her need, not luxury. Still, I'm trying to suggest her several less expensive solutions, to no avail.
As to her being "insulted" by a suggestion that she might be on spectrum, I really don't know why does she feel that way. She also says that I'm only "looking for ways to blame her". All mighty God, why would I want to blame her? What do I get to gain? I even said that for the sake of the argument we can assume that I am (me) on autistic spectrum. But still, we need to talk about it and get on the same page. She's reluctant do to that. She doesn't like to talk in general, and likes to avoiding talking over things. Once she told me that it's challenging for her to talk to me because she's afraid I'm going to crush her with my logic (her words). I can relate to that. I was criticised by her so many times unjustly that I probably got used to having to "prove" to her my standpoint with pure logic.
But okay. I recognized that we might have a channel problem. talking channel jammed, So I invited her to write me an email. This way, we could freely express our thoughts to each other and talk later on. She's reluctant to do that too (for now).
I don't think my wife is ashamed of Asperger's as such. Our youngest son has been diagnosed early on and all of our friends know about it. This is not a stigma. Hence, I don't really understand her reluctance to talk about the particular challenges of NT/ND marriage which we are definitely facing.
That being said, I know much much much much.....more about autism than my wife does. Somehow she was never interested to read about it, even though I regularly sent her way interesting links. I bought myself many books on how to raise a child on spectrum as well as how to deal with challenges in a ND/NT marriage. But I'm still lonely in this. I would like us to explore the depths of this together.
I don't see how moving away from your husband and children can improve things. People grow further apart that way, I think. That would be a shame.
Kind regards, Mark
Peter, thanks. Maybe we are both autistic. Then again, I highly doubt it. As for the logic, I always tend to prepare to the conversations. I was always very good in public speaking and debating. It's my natural forte that is part of me, how I communicate. I don't want to crush anyone though, especially not my wife. With time I learned to scale back my assertiveness. But when I'm unjustly attacked, I do sometimes react ferociously. Sometimes my fuse just breaks. I'm not a robot but still a human being.
Thank you for your thoughts. I appreciate it. I will think about what you said.
Sometimes a little distance makes things stronger. That’s kind of what I was getting at with my brother. I think the division of space helped make our relationship better in the end. I just think maybe renting a whole apartment might be overkill when one room would do.
anyway the way you describe her coping with your son it seems like she has felt that he scares her, or that he was a burden. Maybe when you say she is autistic she interprets that as her being a burden or scary.
also consider this. Maybe you are both autistic? I say that only because I’ve often been accused of ‘crushing people with my logic.’