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Approaching a dual referral ASD/ADHD

M11

Hi everyone, 

my question is how do you breach the subject with your family to ask what you was like as a child? 

My family have never really spoken about our emotions (well me, my brother and my father anyway) my mum occasionally joking saying she wishes she had a daughter to talk to, as the 3 men in her life all just give 1 word answers.

how’s work “good”, how was your night out “okay” which we’re all pretty guilty of. 

My father has lost contact with all his family and has no friends just our family, my brother is mid 30’s has never had a relationship and barely leaves the house unless it’s for work or to help my mum with shopping. I think I’ve broken the chain in the essence of moving out with my partner and being more sociable (although I need a lot of rest the next day after nightspot which is more than a hangover) but my day to day struggles are a lot more noticeable now my mum doesn’t do my washing, ironing, lunches for work and family dinners. (Which she still does for my brother who still lives at home, I’m only now coming to realise this probably isn’t a regular occurrence for people our age)

Anyway I’ve broached the subject with 2-3 people I trust only after 6-12 months of research but my family I can’t seem to do it. I’ve been meaning to do it before my first GP appointment so had 4 weeks to do it but I couldn’t pluck up the courage/ it felt too awkward. I got the referral from the GP without their input but I fell I’ll need it for the full scale assessment.

so basically I went home last weekend with the sole intention to ask my mother “what I was like as a child?” As I only remember fragments but once again I couldn’t do it. If I can’t even bring myself to ask that, how am I ever going to breach the subject of the actual referral?? 

it’s making me anxious slightly now as it’s the missing piece of the puzzle but I can’t bring myself to talk on the topic. Has anyone else experienced anything similar???? 

Parents

  • Hi

    If you’ve been referred to the ASD and ADHD waiting lists note that they are crazy long and it could be up to 2 years before you’re assessed. I’m not saying this to scare you off. Just that you likely have lots of time to work out how to approach your family with questions. 

    I was diagnosed last year, first with ADHD (psychiatry-uk) then with autism (by a psychologist within the mental health services). 


    I have a similar experience to you as in I can barely remember anything about being a kid. I found out when asking my mam for examples of my childhood that she also didn’t remember much! I’m 31, so I think the ADHD and poor memory comes into play here. I think my mam has ADHD and my dad autism, not diagnosed. My main memory (more a feeling) is of knowing I was different from a really young age. 

    I would say just act on impulse and dive in talking to your family about it! I think I did, when something is on my mind loads I can’t help but ramble on about it! I would suggest approaching your mam or siblings first as they may be more open minded. (Just going from experience with my own dad being very closed off about everything!)
    My parents still struggle with understanding how the whole neuro divergence thing works - I still get the ‘well everyone does that’ comments. My mam is getting better at understanding it all but yeah I’m not going to lie I did find it hard to say out loud to everyone. I think it can be hard for parents as they may feel a sense of guilt or shame. Guilt of potentially passing it on to their kids. The shame of the labels as there’s still a lot of stigma and stereotyping around adhd and autism. The generational difference too, my parents are in their late fifties and we’re brought up to ignore everything and just ‘get on with it’. 

    I’ve found the more I’ve researched about adhd and autism myself the better I understand myself and am able to communicate it better with others. 

    For the ADHD assessment I had my husband answer some questions. The autism assessment required a parent to answer questions though wasn’t mandatory. 

    Sorry my answer is all over the place! Hope it helps 

    Bex Morse

Reply

  • Hi

    If you’ve been referred to the ASD and ADHD waiting lists note that they are crazy long and it could be up to 2 years before you’re assessed. I’m not saying this to scare you off. Just that you likely have lots of time to work out how to approach your family with questions. 

    I was diagnosed last year, first with ADHD (psychiatry-uk) then with autism (by a psychologist within the mental health services). 


    I have a similar experience to you as in I can barely remember anything about being a kid. I found out when asking my mam for examples of my childhood that she also didn’t remember much! I’m 31, so I think the ADHD and poor memory comes into play here. I think my mam has ADHD and my dad autism, not diagnosed. My main memory (more a feeling) is of knowing I was different from a really young age. 

    I would say just act on impulse and dive in talking to your family about it! I think I did, when something is on my mind loads I can’t help but ramble on about it! I would suggest approaching your mam or siblings first as they may be more open minded. (Just going from experience with my own dad being very closed off about everything!)
    My parents still struggle with understanding how the whole neuro divergence thing works - I still get the ‘well everyone does that’ comments. My mam is getting better at understanding it all but yeah I’m not going to lie I did find it hard to say out loud to everyone. I think it can be hard for parents as they may feel a sense of guilt or shame. Guilt of potentially passing it on to their kids. The shame of the labels as there’s still a lot of stigma and stereotyping around adhd and autism. The generational difference too, my parents are in their late fifties and we’re brought up to ignore everything and just ‘get on with it’. 

    I’ve found the more I’ve researched about adhd and autism myself the better I understand myself and am able to communicate it better with others. 

    For the ADHD assessment I had my husband answer some questions. The autism assessment required a parent to answer questions though wasn’t mandatory. 

    Sorry my answer is all over the place! Hope it helps 

    Bex Morse

Children
  • in reply to BexMorse

    Hi  

    Thank you so much for your detailed responses. I sort of zoned out when my Gp was explaining the next steps  and how long the referral could take, I think it was a bit overwhelming talking about so many feelings etc which I’m not used to doing so I only caught the bit where she said she would be writing a letter on my behalf. 

    Probably most of the fragments of memories from my childhood are related to school.

    • Sent out from a lot of my classes in primary school. (Getting promoted/relegated sets often) 
    • year 5/6 (going to a weekly after school class in a secondary school with 5 or so other students learning about magnets/robotics type stuff) possibly G&T class?
    • secondary school getting sent out of a lot of my classes 
    • getting promoted/relegated from maths/science and English quite often (usually would get a phone call home to my parent.. they would make me sit at the front I’d get promoted then after certain amount of time I’d go back to bad habits)
    • never done homework unless I got a phone call home from work and parents sat with me
    • passed GCSE all C’s I think? Sat all lower level papers due to coursework etc 
    • left 6th form 3 months in due to getting sent out of lesson all the time for talking 
    • passed my electrical installation course top 3 of the class although a teacher nicknamed me sleeping beauty as I used to play video games until 2-3 then go in to class and fall asleep (I’m not proud of this btw just explaining from what I remember)

    One thing that resonates with me is my mum told my partner a story not too long ago from when I was in primary school that I forgot. One day I refused to go to school/had a big tantrum she had to drag me with my brothers help the whole way which was probably about 800 yards then I sat at the entrance and refused to go in/move. My mother told my brother to get the head mistress which he did when she arrived my mum said I just stopped crying shot up and ran in to school like everything was normal.

    I also mentioned to the GP I thought it was more ADHD as I don’t really have any routines or stuff that flusters me. Although my partner says I have 0 emotion which I think I 100% do I just probably don’t show it. 

    also after watching light hearted videos could routines be the little things? 

    • I only use the little tea spoon to eat cake 
    • I check which fork I use as we have some skinner forks which doesn’t fit as much food on
    • if I have a chocolate muffin I eat it upside down (you have to save the best until last obviously!)

    Think I’ve gone a bit off topic now Joy guess what I’m trying to say is I've lasted 30+ years with no one ever noticing although I’ve definitely had a lot of internal struggles. I feel like I dunno what’s me and what’s not, is it me just trying to relate to stuff after I’ve done all my research? It’s all just very confusing.