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Will things ever change?

dragons

Hi 

I am new to this forum. So not sure how to start but anyway, I am a mother of an autistic daughter who is an adult, well 20 years old.
At the moment we’re finding the mood swings quite testing and the feeling that she doesn’t want to grow up. She has in the past expressed that she would like some friends. This breaks my heart. I am her surrogate friend, go everywhere with her, do whatever she wants but making friendships at this age is definitely not the same as when you’re are kid. I have encouraged her to look at the forums online to chat to people that understand where she comes from. But has a dislike for online chatting, even though she often chats on YouTube and makes comments. 
Just started a course in comic drawing online which is great, but she is so scared of the real world and is constantly worried that she has said or done something wrong. There’s some anxiety there too.

I feel that she’s isolating herself quite purposely and we’re stuck in a rut. She’s in college last year and weighing up whether university is the next step. 
Will she realise that she can do anything? 
Can she view people and the world differently?
Endless chats around these subjects, constant reassurance and guidance. 
Where do we go with this?
I want her to even join this forum to talk and air anything that would help.

  • The transition to adult life is difficult for any young person but add in autism and the difficulties can seem insurmountable. Life changes are extremely anxiety inducing and it is understandable that it seems as if she doesn't want to grow up.

    There was a recent post on here about the NAS Transition Support Helpline. There may be some advice and support available there, to help your daughter work out if university is the right next step.

    https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/help-and-support/transition-support-service

    Autistic people are often motivated by and drawn towards their interests. I suspect that is why your daughter prefers commenting on YouTube to general online chatting.

    This a great friendly community, which includes people around the same age as your daughter facing similar issues in life. Perhaps you could give her the website address for this forum and encourage her to just read for a while. She doesn't have to post anything if she does not feel comfortable doing so. 

  • dragons said:
    Will she realise that she can do anything? 
    Can she view people and the world differently?
    Endless chats around these subjects, constant reassurance and guidance. 
    Where do we go with this?

    She is at that age when people are very commonly experiencing the same questions themselves, whether on the spetrum or not and it is probably just going to take her some time to work through it herself as best she can.

    Things that may help are:

    1. Does the college offer any counselling that is aware of healing with someone on the spectrum?

    2. check the branches of this organisation ( www.autism.org.uk/.../branches ) and see if you have one local to join - there you can often find events with other people on the spectum and can often make friends much more easily than with Neurotypical people.

    3, Have you used a therapist? There are plenty out there with experience of working with people in your daughters situation and should have the skills to communicate effectively with her and build a vision of the future with her then work out how to get there.

    I suspect that once she spends time with other neurodivergents that she will realise that she is not doing stuff wrong and that she can be herself around them. We often refer to ourself as a tribe and many feel a sense of belonging when around others.

    Maybe a start could be to take the endless chats and turn them into an action plan. Give her a chance to start taking control and planning how to start doing more on her own and support her making her own decisions rather than offering advice (if that is how you are doing it at the moment).

    It is like the old parable about teaching a man to fish rather than giving him a fish - it may take a few runs to get it working well but them you can move to supporting the actions rather than just the contemplation.

    If you come up with more specific qestions on how to do taks from there then it should be easier to find the answers online or just by asking here.

    Well done in getting her this far and good luck.with her next steps.