Are YOU a Troubled Autist?

I think I would win gold for worrying if it becomes a part of the Olympics. I've been a worrisome worrier since I was old enough to talk. My worrying even causes insomnia I wake throughout the night worrying and this is every night. Get the following stuff run through my head

• You're not good enough
• Mum and dad are getting older
• I still don't have a job
• Those pains could be a deadly disease
• My dog is getting older
• Those pains though..... 

FML

I don’t know how old you are kitty - but I find that as I get older I care a lot less about the ‘you’re not good enough’ stuff. Good enough for who exactly? And how what is ‘enough’? In fact - what is actually ‘good’ when it comes to human beings? 
you’re mum and dad are getting older - but they’re still here! That’s pretty good! Lots of people don’t have that. Enjoy what you have now - don’t spoil it by thinking about the fact it’s not forever. Nothing’s forever. 
My parents were pretty terrible parents - pretty toxic, judgemental, not loving. They’re still here - just. I’d rather have had loving parents for less time - but I had not loving parents for a long time. I’d say the former is preferable  :) 

Presumably the fact that you worry about your parents getting older must mean that they’re loving parents. Lucky you! Enjoy the time you have with them - ie enjoy NOW

I don’t have a job, and my son doesn’t have a job. But it means we have a lot of free time for walks, talking, watching films, cooking etc. There are some great advantages to not having a job :) 

I bet your dog is lovely! I’d love a dog. It must be so nice to have one. I think they get calmer as they get older - which can be a relief maybe? I’m not sure! 

as for those aches and pains……I worry about that too. In the VAST majority of cases though they turn out to be nothing at all to worry about. But I’m kinda with you on that worry……that’s one I’m yet to be good at dealing with - but I keep trying! 

Thanks for your reply Kate, this helped more than you know. I’m 18, just. I never had these doubts and insecurities before but when I was at secondary school I started to notice how perfect the other girls looked and I didn’t look the same and a lot of the girls called me out on it. It hurt and I’m sure that’s where it stems from. I like your questioning what’s good and good enough for what’s, that makes a lot of sense when you talk about it like that, so I try the same from now on. When I’m hearing that negative voice I find it hard to ignore it so questioning might work better. I worry about my mum and dad a lot, more than anything else. We’re close and always have been, the idea of losing either one of them terrifies me, I can’t sleep some nights cause of it. I’ll try and not focus on that though, not healthy thinking. I’m so sorry your mum and dad didn’t treat you with the love and care you deserved. That’s so sad, you shouldn’t have grown up with people like that. I would say that you strong, you got through it and you now have your own family and I can tell by your message how close and special bond your family has. I want a family of my own too. Don’t let your mum and dad bring you down and upset you, it’s not worth it. Focus on what you have and enjoy the fact that you’ve provided everything for your own family. 

I’m so lucky to have such good mum and dad. They understand my autism, try to help support me through hard days.

Jobs are hard work aren’t they. No pun intended, sorry. I tried working last year, part-time, but it was too much. I had a big breakdown and meltdown. I haven’t tried anything since. You and your son must have a lot of fun. Is he autistic as well? You must be have very special close bond with him. I don’t do much with my mum, we’re close lots of love is there but since my leg problems happened I’m more withdrawn. I think it’s my own problem, I need to figure out how to move on.

She is lovely. Really happy dog, when she gets wet she shakes it off and gets me soaked! Ha ha I love her so much. Get one if you can, there good for anxiety and company, that’s one reason why my mum and dad got me mine.

Sorry about your aches and pains. There probably just result of anxiety, that’s what I’ve been telling myself and it works to a degree. I notice when I dot hings and keep busy I ache a lot less. So it probably is only anxiety. If only my head agreed with that! I hoep yours get better.

Take care kate. 

This such a lovely reply Kitty - thank you so much :) 

I think 18 is exactly the sort of age when it’s the hardest to be immune to all the outside pressures that are around us to make us feel insecure about how we look. I think it’s harder now than ever due to social media which encourages an unhealthily intense focus on how women look - and a narrow view of what female beauty is. I think it’s quite freeing to reject stereotypes and find your own style. I always enjoyed finding interesting clothes and had fun with that - rather than focusing on what my face was like, or my body shape. After all - we don’t get to choose our genetics - it’s not our fault what face or body we get! And we can’t take credit for either - it’s not an achievement - it’s just an accident of birth. There’s so much more to us than how we look - it’s just a small part of who we are. 
You - for example - are obviously a very kind person with a lot of empathy. Your comments about my parents and their ‘issues’ (!)  are very kind and very wise - thank you. It’s taken me many years to come to terms with having an upbringing that lacked some important elements that made life difficult for me. It damaged my self esteem and made me feel very unsafe - and left me with a huge amount of anxiety, and lack of trust in people. But you’re quite right: I met my husband and had children and now I have my own family that is loving and supportive - so I’m so lucky and blessed to have that. 

Your parents sound lovely - it’s great that they have a good understanding of autism. My youngest son was diagnosed first in our family, then we realised that my other son was autistic, and that I was too -  and my husband has many autistic traits (although he doesn’t have a diagnosis). So we are all very understanding of each others needs and challenges. At the same time though we share many of the same challenges - so it’s not exactly easy. My son had to drop out of college as he has Selective Mutism and it all too much for him to be on a busy campus when he returned after the lockdown. My other son was very academic and went to Uni - but the jobs he’s found since have been difficult as he’s found the social side of work really challenging. To be honest he’s ended up hating every job he’s tried! So he’s currently trying to find something new - and struggling with that. So it’s not easy. He lives with his girlfriend.

My youngest lives with us and - as you rightly guessed - we do have a very close bond. He’s wonderful company and a very kind, peaceful soul and we have so many interesting conversations and he has a great sense of humour. My husband is out at work all day and I think I’d feel really lonely without my son here. 
He struggled to make friends at school and college due to his Selective Mutism - which was such a shame because with us he is so talkative and wonderful - but he could never be himself in this way at college. So he doesn’t have friends - and feels really sad about that. Hopefully in time he will be able to build his confidence and be able to made connections out there in the world with people his own age - because he wants to do that. 
You mention living quite a ‘withdrawn’ life and I think my son feels that way too. He wants to work on that - because it’s not really the way he wants to live his life - he wants to have a full life with friends and a girlfriend and a job of some kind etc. It’s not easy though - to challenge our urge to withdraw into our safe space or comfort zone. I’m like that too really. My natural inclination is to have a quiet life and not too much contact with people. I suppose the thing is to try and find a balance that suits you. I hate really busy places - I  most love being outside in the countryside where there are hardly any other people around. 

in theory I would like a dog - but I worry that it might limit us a bit in terms of where we can go etc. We don’t have anyone to leave a dog with if we wanted to go somewhere where we couldn’t take a dog. I also think I might struggle with the whole ‘picking up the poo’ aspect! But I suppose you get used to that eventually?! I think we might get a dog in the future though. A very small one though - I find large dogs quite intimidating! My family had dogs when I was a child - and have really happy memories of them.  What breed of dog do you have? I’ve always liked border terriers, and I like long haired dashund (I can’t spell that I think!). 

Re. The aches and pains - I remember googling the symptoms of anxiety once and I was surprised how many physical symptoms there were. So we are probably often stuck in a vicious circle - mistaking anxiety symptoms for something else and then feeling anxious about them - and on and on and on! I think you’re so right that being busy and doing things is a great help. Sadly I think part of being autistic is our tendency to obsess about things - in both good and bad ways. Me and my son are forever reassuring each other about this ache or that pain being something that’s completely normal and nothing to worry about. “Do you ever get…….” followed by “yes - I get that too”. And a sigh of relief :) 

Anyway Kitty - I hope you have a good day today and have fun with your lovely dog - and don’t forget to keep challenging all those negative thoughts! 

This such a lovely reply Kitty - thank you so much :) 

I think 18 is exactly the sort of age when it’s the hardest to be immune to all the outside pressures that are around us to make us feel insecure about how we look. I think it’s harder now than ever due to social media which encourages an unhealthily intense focus on how women look - and a narrow view of what female beauty is. I think it’s quite freeing to reject stereotypes and find your own style. I always enjoyed finding interesting clothes and had fun with that - rather than focusing on what my face was like, or my body shape. After all - we don’t get to choose our genetics - it’s not our fault what face or body we get! And we can’t take credit for either - it’s not an achievement - it’s just an accident of birth. There’s so much more to us than how we look - it’s just a small part of who we are. 
You - for example - are obviously a very kind person with a lot of empathy. Your comments about my parents and their ‘issues’ (!)  are very kind and very wise - thank you. It’s taken me many years to come to terms with having an upbringing that lacked some important elements that made life difficult for me. It damaged my self esteem and made me feel very unsafe - and left me with a huge amount of anxiety, and lack of trust in people. But you’re quite right: I met my husband and had children and now I have my own family that is loving and supportive - so I’m so lucky and blessed to have that. 

Your parents sound lovely - it’s great that they have a good understanding of autism. My youngest son was diagnosed first in our family, then we realised that my other son was autistic, and that I was too -  and my husband has many autistic traits (although he doesn’t have a diagnosis). So we are all very understanding of each others needs and challenges. At the same time though we share many of the same challenges - so it’s not exactly easy. My son had to drop out of college as he has Selective Mutism and it all too much for him to be on a busy campus when he returned after the lockdown. My other son was very academic and went to Uni - but the jobs he’s found since have been difficult as he’s found the social side of work really challenging. To be honest he’s ended up hating every job he’s tried! So he’s currently trying to find something new - and struggling with that. So it’s not easy. He lives with his girlfriend.

My youngest lives with us and - as you rightly guessed - we do have a very close bond. He’s wonderful company and a very kind, peaceful soul and we have so many interesting conversations and he has a great sense of humour. My husband is out at work all day and I think I’d feel really lonely without my son here. 
He struggled to make friends at school and college due to his Selective Mutism - which was such a shame because with us he is so talkative and wonderful - but he could never be himself in this way at college. So he doesn’t have friends - and feels really sad about that. Hopefully in time he will be able to build his confidence and be able to made connections out there in the world with people his own age - because he wants to do that. 
You mention living quite a ‘withdrawn’ life and I think my son feels that way too. He wants to work on that - because it’s not really the way he wants to live his life - he wants to have a full life with friends and a girlfriend and a job of some kind etc. It’s not easy though - to challenge our urge to withdraw into our safe space or comfort zone. I’m like that too really. My natural inclination is to have a quiet life and not too much contact with people. I suppose the thing is to try and find a balance that suits you. I hate really busy places - I  most love being outside in the countryside where there are hardly any other people around. 

in theory I would like a dog - but I worry that it might limit us a bit in terms of where we can go etc. We don’t have anyone to leave a dog with if we wanted to go somewhere where we couldn’t take a dog. I also think I might struggle with the whole ‘picking up the poo’ aspect! But I suppose you get used to that eventually?! I think we might get a dog in the future though. A very small one though - I find large dogs quite intimidating! My family had dogs when I was a child - and have really happy memories of them.  What breed of dog do you have? I’ve always liked border terriers, and I like long haired dashund (I can’t spell that I think!). 

Re. The aches and pains - I remember googling the symptoms of anxiety once and I was surprised how many physical symptoms there were. So we are probably often stuck in a vicious circle - mistaking anxiety symptoms for something else and then feeling anxious about them - and on and on and on! I think you’re so right that being busy and doing things is a great help. Sadly I think part of being autistic is our tendency to obsess about things - in both good and bad ways. Me and my son are forever reassuring each other about this ache or that pain being something that’s completely normal and nothing to worry about. “Do you ever get…….” followed by “yes - I get that too”. And a sigh of relief :) 

Anyway Kitty - I hope you have a good day today and have fun with your lovely dog - and don’t forget to keep challenging all those negative thoughts!