Hi, I just returned to the forum, I'm 35 years old male from Thailand, engineer & musician, going through divorce after being married for almost 4 years (you're welcome to read about me in my older posts). I have separated with my wife for 6 months but still see each other for stuff related to taking care of pets. I really need advice and friendship to make sure I'm not going crazy or stuck in my head.
Autism related history: I have been noticed as weird and always spacing out since I was a little kid but I did pretty well in school and learned to mask and socialize later on although constantly need breaks.
Things about me that she has not been okay for the longest time are:
1. Me not getting her jokes or sarcasm as she had to keep explaining again and again.
2. My way of delivering bad news makes things sound worse, poor timing
3. Me not reading the room when I start talking about things that are either funny or sad when she's not in the mood for it.
4. As she also have gone through a lot, she always felt that I'm not emotionally available when she needs to vent some frustration or anger, saying I don't have the body language and facial expression that comforts her as I tense up with adrenaline, she would start yelling when she feels like she's not being heard, then I freeze and lost the ability to use words, she feels like I stonewalled her and sometimes says I'm a psychopath who doesn't care how she feels. While in my head I see things in a very different way, I feel very intense emotions, I concentrate in listening and attempt to read body language, I lost the ability to respond or saying something comfort if I'm being yelled at, all I wanted to do is to walk away and process what happened alone quietly in my own time, which is opposite of what she needs (a timely response and the emotional side of the issue addressed).
5. Conflicts were never resolved (this is hard to explain). I really don't know how to balance the appropriate time to address the emotional side or the actual solution, my brain just goes straight to the solution or how to do things better next time. I still don't understand why going straight to the solution is such a crime.
Things that I am not okay about are:
1. to be yelled at.
2. to be expected to have a certain emotional response after hearing an emotionally heavy story or during a conflict.
3. to have my intentions dismissed and being accused of not caring or being forgetful, after not being able to provide a timely response to an intense part of a conversation. That has never been my intention or how I felt at all, this just makes me really sad and silenced.
4. Not being able to walk away during a conflict to cool myself down and process, in order to be in a better shape to resolve the conflict or being hard on everybody.
5. I don't feel like myself, a mixture of trying too hard in the wrong direction with a pinch of unnecessary of self hatred and disappointment.
My questions are:
1. Are any of her or my conditions unrealistic? Should I feel that I'm not being understood too?
2. Anyone share similarities with this kind of headspace.
3. I keep craving more time to space out alone, play music, and video games, is this a sign of something?
Thank you!
Ninjamelody
