When I write to a friend who is troubled, there are two Simons in play. Simon 1 is caring, sympathetic and sometimes wise in a way unnatural to the shabby intellect and fleeting concentration of Everyday Simon. Simon 1 can be all those things, in his determined efforts to help or console.
Simon 2, while writing the very same document, has to learn to be human. I mean that in terms of being a capable, well-rounded being. I don't mean that I aspire to fit in with the neurotypical in-crowd, or that the humanity I try to express is insincere or studied. I mean that Simon 2 also has to make determined efforts: to shift aside his usual self-obsession, to effectively borrow the clothing of someone competent, to mentally place himself in the role of 'someone who actually helps and is useful'. It is like an actor rehearsing lines and even bodily positions(!) for a play which is real, not fantasy. Despite all the busy, social formalities of my life - home, family, work, love etc - I've been alone, in my head. And it shows...
Simons 1 & 2 are not good or bad people. Morality doesn't come into it. Both of them really care for others, in their curious ways. But nevertheless, an essential part of me has to, as someone famously said, 'pass for human'. It's not a deception or a trick played on other people - so gentle was my childhood, it taught me to not even understand cruelty properly, let alone the 'pleasures' of deceit. I'd be horrified beyond salvation if I somehow hurt other people, let alone friends. The behaviours I've mentioned are likely the legacies of my gentle but strangely lonely upbringing and my autism. I am so inexperienced in the ups and downs of everday life that I am a hapless amateur. I even have to think of myself in the actual posture of someone competent who is about to write comforting, helpful words to a person who is in need of them. But the deepest part of me cannot cope with the knowledge of their distress; the unfairness of such wonderful people suffering *kills* me, but that is of no use to them. Then the two Simons have failed, again...
I've written all this not so much in hope of guidance - fortunately, I'm already blessed to receive this from forum-friends and outside advisers - but because I wondered if any of this chimes with readers' experiences, for all my 'strangeness'.
This post doesn't state: 'Nice guy Simon tries to help people' or 'Bad guy Simon is a deceitful, robotic false friend'; instead it states: 'Does anyone else feel as natural and as unnatural as 'I' do?'
Thank you for reading.
