Published on 12, July, 2020
...of being autistic.
Just finished a short online meeting, where I didn't have to do much except say one thing for AOB at the end. Thankfully meetings are rare in my job, just every couple of months. But by the end of this thing, I was so tense in my core that I had to lie on my bed for five minutes to relieve the intense pain. Never sure if the online ones are better or worse than in person. Maybe better. I don't have to repress a stim, it's out of frame!
Is there a truly fundamental level of misunderstanding/misinterpretation? *Patented tedious example follows*
* An advice appointment was arranged for me.
* I understood beforehand that I would be able to ask for advice, and also discuss my issues at length even if this proved difficult and emotional for me & also time-consuming for the advisers.
* I spent the whole two-and-half-hours of the scheduled one-hour session talking almost non-stop, while constantly apologising for my behaviour.
Everyone, including me, knows the format of seeking and offering advice. It roughly goes like this: 1. I provide evidence of my issue(s); 2. in response, others provide opinions or take actions. This format isn't exactly difficult to understand, and we're all familiar with it.
The most important element of all this: I didn't realise, until hours and hours later, that my 'bad behaviour' provided clues to the people who'd learn from it in order to best help me. Considering I knew in advance the all-round purpose and probable nature of the session...how on earth did I *still* misunderstand or misinterpret its purpose and nature? How was it even possible for me to be so 'disconnected'?
And are these extreme misunderstandings due to autism? To my (admittedly uneducated) eye, it all looks worryingly extreme - after all, the words 'advice session' aren't nuanced or confusing...
Having thought about this I am now wondering how come they let you talk for so long without trying to guide the discussion where it needed to go, or drawing it to a close. I can only conclude that they did not have a problem with either the length or the content of what you said. Hopefully it will have been useful.
They were great with me, extremely patient. I missed the very polite cue to wind the meeting up - subtlety can be far too subtle for me - and only realised my fault some hours afterwards.