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Advice on possibly autistic ex

NAS84267

Hi everyone, I suppose I’m looking for some advice from people who has experienced similar situations and/or a pointer in the direction of any resources. 

My bf of 3 yrs and I broke up a few months ago. It wasn’t out of the blue for either of us (I ended things) as things had been difficult for a long time. I still love him deeply despite some very upsetting things we both did in the past and would be willing to explore trying again. 

i suspect he might have adhd and autism. He is extremely capable, sociable and intelligent. The behaviours that lead me to suspect me might be are - obsessive interests, the need for a very fixed routine (same meal every day etc), huge amounts of energy (I think this exhibits sometimes in a degree of stimming?), lack of filter and a slight bafflement when I say certain things are hurtful/not ok, withdrawing from conflict and the occasional meltdown in the face of conflict, a lack of awareness of how to behave in certain situations, he was extremely premature, repeating catchphrases and screaming or making repetitive sounds when excited, I could go on! He is extremely sweet and kind, very loving and shows this in acts of service. Sadly our relationship got difficult when faced with some of the issues above- eg, not behaving well in front of my family, saying very hurtful things and being incapable of reassurance when I would get upset, walking away and leaving me in public, and an absolute hatred of me ‘giving my opinion’ on his behaviour. 

we ended things while he has been out of the country as things were just too painful. I know I have heaps to work on myself- I find myself getting very frustrated with him and when he is incapable of seeing how something might have hurt me, and refusing to apologise my sadness does convert to anger, which I regret. I have been doing a lot of introspection and am keen to try again when he returns. I would not raise my suspicions with him if we were to speak about trying again and would not push him to get a diagnosis unless he wanted. Nor do I expect change from him, but I think certain things that upset me so much in the past (eg. Walking away from me in public, leaving me in bars and train stations) might be avoided and/or understood better- ie he is not malicious. 

I just wondered if anyone has similar experiences and how they dealt with them? I don’t really have anyone to speak to about this so any advice would be hugely appreciated. We are 35 and 30 FYI. 

Parents

  • Kind of similar, 

    i was so unaware that  my long term relationships were in trouble on two occasions.
    My marriage lasted 12 years and I thought things were okay, until my wife told me that she had found someone else, and had been seeing them for a number years of years, and the marriage was over.I left that day, knowing that I would be very practical about the divorce. 
    the second major event was when a lady who had been living with me for two years or more told me she was moving out, to go back to her own house. 
    It wasn’t until the day she left  that I realised the relationship was ending, I literally thought she was moving home and we would continue the relationship from separate home.

    I think if you have done the separation it’s probably better to stay separated.

    you have probably just forgotten the reasons you separated, I suspect the reasons are still valid, from my experience could show themselves again.

Reply

  • Kind of similar, 

    i was so unaware that  my long term relationships were in trouble on two occasions.
    My marriage lasted 12 years and I thought things were okay, until my wife told me that she had found someone else, and had been seeing them for a number years of years, and the marriage was over.I left that day, knowing that I would be very practical about the divorce. 
    the second major event was when a lady who had been living with me for two years or more told me she was moving out, to go back to her own house. 
    It wasn’t until the day she left  that I realised the relationship was ending, I literally thought she was moving home and we would continue the relationship from separate home.

    I think if you have done the separation it’s probably better to stay separated.

    you have probably just forgotten the reasons you separated, I suspect the reasons are still valid, from my experience could show themselves again.

Children
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