• Replies 2 replies
  • Subscribers 82 subscribers
  • Views 753 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

Wondering if my boyfriend might have HFA

Nikki

Hi, I don't know if I'm a little out of place here, but I'm hoping to just find some answers. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year now, and he's a wonderful person in a lot of ways, but he does have some odd struggles that really seem to cause major distress for him. I'm not sure how to help because the things he struggles with aren't things that I have struggles with. One of these things is definitely noises, we moved in together into an apartment complex about 5 months ago, and it's on the first floor. Now, we only have one old lady that lives above us, but we can hear her sometimes throughout the day. It doesn't bother me much, it doesn't normally last too long except on some occasions. I get how it can be annoying, but for him, it affects him so much worse. Ever since we've moved in here, he's had countless breakdowns the second he starts hearing noise above us, and I mean screaming at the top of his lungs, not even words, throwing things, cursing, crying, and just constantly talking about wanting to leave and go back to his mom's house. I try to help him and calm him down, but my words never seem to reach him. I sit with him, hold him, and encourage him to use headphones, or to take a drive and get away for a while, but he never wants to. His behavior concerns me a lot, even scares me sometimes because of how strongly he reacts. He's brought up the noise complaints with our landlord, even brought the old lady into it and we've asked her to maybe not stomp too hard if she can. It's only caused more drama between everyone, they told us the previous tenant had lived there for 4 years and never complained, that there really have never been any noise complaints in the apartments before. I feel for the most part the place is a quiet community, and I think it's normal to expect some level of noise living in an apartment complex generally, but my boyfriend seems to hyper-fixate on the noises and can't seem to get it out of his head. I've never been insensitive to his struggle, I understand this is a very real issue for him, but i really don't know how to help any more than I have. We've just been trying to save up to maybe rent a house so there's no one above us, but it's going to take time before we can afford something like that, and we still have 7 months left to our lease.

I've just been thinking lately maybe he should see someone and get some help, because he loses control of his emotions really easily. I'm not sure if it could be autism, or something else. He seems to function normally in most social situations, he can interact and connect with people well enough, though sometimes I've noticed he has a hard time maintaining friendships. I'm not sure if this is just a symptom of something else, or if I'm missing something, or if there's something I can do to help him more. It's just gotten harder and harder to help him when he reacts in these ways, and I feel it strains us because he always expects me to do something to fix it or to say something to make it better, but I can't. I don't have anything else I can say at this point, and he gets upset with me for not doing enough to help him when he feels this way.

So if anyone might have some insight, please let me know, I'll answer any questions the best that I can.

Parents

  • The emotional outbursts triggered by the noise sounds very similar to the kind of emotional responses and meltdowns that are triggered in me by certain types of noise. My reaction to a neighbours dog barking is intense and emotional, very like the kind of 'breakdowns' you describe.

    Your boyfriend could do some of the online autism tests, to see if he has other autistic traits and if it is worth pursuing a diagnosis. https://embrace-autism.com/

    Such sensory responses can occur in non autistic people too. It is also worth looking into Misophonia.  "Misophonia is a disorder in which certain sounds trigger emotional or physiological responses that some might perceive as unreasonable"

    What a lot of people don't realise is that it is not just the noise itself. There are solutions that can help to block out noise, such as ear plugs, ear defenders or noise cancelling headphones. 'Feeling' the noise can be just as much of a problem, for example feeling the vibrations and reverberations of every footstep. I don't know what the solution is for that but maybe things like carpets and soft furnishings might help.

    Also commonly people believe that exposure is the solution and that the person will eventually 'get used' to the noise and be able to tune it out. In my experience that does not happen and in fact it is the opposite. The longer I am exposed to a particular noise the worse my emotional response becomes each time it happens

    I don't know why he seems to seek so much reassurance from you when it happens. I think the best thing for him to do would be to remove himself from the situation as far as possible as soon as the noise starts. It is not fair of him to subject you to his angry shouting or expect you to be able to calm him down. Is there a room in your flat where it is not so noticeable? Maybe he could go there and have things in that room that can help to distract himself until both the feelings and the noise subside.

Reply

  • The emotional outbursts triggered by the noise sounds very similar to the kind of emotional responses and meltdowns that are triggered in me by certain types of noise. My reaction to a neighbours dog barking is intense and emotional, very like the kind of 'breakdowns' you describe.

    Your boyfriend could do some of the online autism tests, to see if he has other autistic traits and if it is worth pursuing a diagnosis. https://embrace-autism.com/

    Such sensory responses can occur in non autistic people too. It is also worth looking into Misophonia.  "Misophonia is a disorder in which certain sounds trigger emotional or physiological responses that some might perceive as unreasonable"

    What a lot of people don't realise is that it is not just the noise itself. There are solutions that can help to block out noise, such as ear plugs, ear defenders or noise cancelling headphones. 'Feeling' the noise can be just as much of a problem, for example feeling the vibrations and reverberations of every footstep. I don't know what the solution is for that but maybe things like carpets and soft furnishings might help.

    Also commonly people believe that exposure is the solution and that the person will eventually 'get used' to the noise and be able to tune it out. In my experience that does not happen and in fact it is the opposite. The longer I am exposed to a particular noise the worse my emotional response becomes each time it happens

    I don't know why he seems to seek so much reassurance from you when it happens. I think the best thing for him to do would be to remove himself from the situation as far as possible as soon as the noise starts. It is not fair of him to subject you to his angry shouting or expect you to be able to calm him down. Is there a room in your flat where it is not so noticeable? Maybe he could go there and have things in that room that can help to distract himself until both the feelings and the noise subside.

Children
No Data