I think I was born with a foot in my mouth. I've spent a lifetime responding inappropriately so I learned not to offer a conversational response or to reply with some bland generic reply that may have allowed me to save face but didn't endear me enough to be befriended. This has been part of several lifelong lived-in masks. I've learned through many negative experiences not to be open enough to show my inner feelings. I can recall as a youngster being called a "cold fish" by my mother. I presume this was because I did not display what should have been appropriate signs of affection for any given and appropriate circumstances. It's been a long uphill attempted climb out of my hollow numbness with many failed attempts. I must not complain. I've been fortunate enough to have had a varied interesting life experience despite being friendless. I've achieved this through my adoption of many differing "defence mechanisms"---old jargon for masking. This brings me around to my recent discovery of this wonderful forum where I can relax a bit and not have to concern myself too greatly about dropping "clangers". I hope to be allowed a certain amount of "slack" if and when I do drop a clanger. Despite my 50+ years of residence here in the UK, despite my inability to properly integrate, despite my inabilities to hold a lengthy verbal conversation, despite my inabilities to display appropriate emotional gesturing and response, despite these and probably several other inabilities, in hindsight I believe my life would have been quite different had I remained in NYC---but not necessarily a better quality of life. My baggage would have still had an impact, and frankly I don't think I would have survived to my present age in NYC. I am thankful and count my blessings to be here, so please bear with me by cutting me some slack.
