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Was this a meltdown?

petrova.fossil

Hi all. Apologies in advance for the novel you're about to read but I don't know who else to ask about this.

I'm a 26 year old woman who was diagnosed with autism this year after many years of false starts and letdowns. I was given a diagnosis of generalised anxiety as a teenager - not sure if that still stands or if the autism supersedes that, as it were. Have tried counselling and CBT before but didn't find them helpful. 

I had a really bad day today. Had to run some errands in town with the bf and we stopped for petrol on the way. There were signs everywhere saying 'cash only' when that's never normally been the case with this garage, which is just down the road from us. I didn't have any cash on me so asked bf to go somewhere else, but he said it would be fine as there was a cashpoint inside. I was already feeling pretty worried at this point and started really freaking out once he'd started filling up the car - no turning back now, I thought - but conceded his point about the cash machine.

We went inside to pay and the cash machine just didn't work. I tried three times to withdraw money but it didn't give me any. I was really panicking by now and it only got worse when someone else had a go and they were able to withdraw money. By this point I was spiralling. I thought, they won't let us leave. They'll accuse us of trying to steal petrol. It's my word against theirs that I really do have the money in my account, and for whatever reason the machine won't work for me. They'll call the police and we'll be arrested and we won't have a leg to stand on, as we were stupid enough to fill up at a cash only petrol station with no cash.

Bf had explained the issue to the cashier and was trying to work out what to do but I wasn't on planet earth any more. I was crying and crying, stamping my feet on the ground, shouting at him. That really upset him. I should say that he's been nothing but supportive since my diagnosis but he's not often seen me in that state. Plus he was also embarrassed and worried about our predicament.

Eventually he decided we'd leave our details with the cashier, head into town to get cash out, and bring it back to her. That all worked out fine but it took me an age to calm down, especially because it led to a row with bf that upset me more. Even now, hours after it happened and even though bf and I are alright, I still feel physically and emotionally exhausted.

I don't understand what happened to me in that moment. I haven't had that sort of extreme emotional response in years. Was that an autistic meltdown, some kind of anxiety attack, or what? Was there anything I could have done to stop it, or to stop it happening again? The NAS page about meltdowns left me with more questions than answers as it seemed more severe than what I experienced, and didn't really give any advice about how to stop them. I'd really appreciate your help. Thank you.

  • Sounds like this was a massive interruption. It sounds as though you had a vision of your day planned and this was like suddenly there was an asteroid that landed out of nowhere complicating the flow and ease of these plans. There might have been a set schedule involved and a series of events that depended on each other. 

    Interruptions are probably worse than anything. Many things have the appearance of something else, but they're actually just interruptions to our 'flow'. Sensory assault is an interruption. Misunderstanding as an interruption. Losing an item is an interruption.

    When I was younger, I was incredibly reactive if someone interrupted me while trying to work on something. It turned out if I couldn't have the right amount of focus, I wouldn't be able to study properly. No studying, training, disciplining and guess what? I went no where in life. At 26 I was on the verge of homelessness.  I was surrounded by people who couldn't bother taking notice of their impact and plotted an escape never looking back. I had no idea then what interruptions were doing, but I had thought maybe it was because I was female. Wrong. It's the autistic brain.

    Our ability to envision and focus is a strength. But like any talent or inclination, when left unnoticed and underdeveloped, it can be a curse and cause all kinds of damage - thus it's imperative for our becoming and being to recognise our capacity, potential and limits. 

    There's some theories about why interruptions are incredibly damaging for us: our more excitable Gamma Waves, which are responsible for flow-state (a higher form of meditation), hyper-focus, hyper-connexions and Monotropism. But these waves are also responsible for anxiety when they accelerate out of control. There's a lot more synchronised in the brain, but this theory is one of the few that make sense of a great deal of things and why we're so affected by interruptions. They literally feel like physical assault, because they literally are assaulting a part of us. 

    There were a few things I had to learn. One was to bend like a reed so I didn't break. But I wasn't able to learn this until 10 years after I had settled into having control of my own time. Another was to assign someone else a task if or when I was met with a No in whatever form. Here's your No's: That cashpoint was having a display of PDA. It refused to do the One Job it had. But this wouldn't have been needed if you weren't faced with unpleasant surprises limiting your ability to navigate society freely: the demand for cash when society has been operating on a no cash basis for quite some time. Do wealthy individuals experience this chaos? There is an unfairness to life. It's incredibly frustrating. 

    The last thing I needed to learn was a sort of art of listening. There are things I can control and things I cannot. In some cases allowing the No to redirect me to a different path for the day, I assigned as a moment of fate, like a video game. Perhaps that path wasn't meant to be or would lead to danger. We have to find some way to reconcile with the forces beyond us, which doesn't mean we don't fight for a thing that's important. But, as a friend once said, most everything is just Navigation. x

    ps. If you can, fill the tank up in advance - these small measures create a great deal of ease. ;)

  • I feel for you.

    The Rug-Pullers are trying to remove cash from our society; and people are scraping to the bottom of the barrel, just to get by. Supporting America comes at a price.

    Back to the point; yes, it's a meltdown. Personally, I avoid public histrionics when in a meltdown; but inside, I'l delirious.

    Perhaps, next time, head to a shop with a Post Office. If you have a debit card, and the Post Office is open, you may get cash there.