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Romantic Attachment changing ASD

737maxpilot

I don't know if this is the case for everyone, whenever my ASD girlfriend has some good quality bonding time with me, it often follows with a day or two burst of NT behaviour. She suddenly seems to be able to understand some jokes, and feels more comfortable in negotiating larger social contexts. She doesn't know how to describe her sudden desire to hug me, explaining that "I know hugs release oxytocin". 

She then reverts back to her normal self. She normally hates hugs and all forms of physical contact, and feels more comfortable in smaller social interactions where there is no need to negotiate so many conversations at once.

Does romance change ASD attributes in other people as well? 

Parents

  • I am a woman who was very lucky to meet my life partner in my late teens and we have been together ever since. Although I didn't discover we were both on the spectrum until I was in my 50s, I always felt that we were "different" somehow and that only he really understood me. I recently realised that he is the only person I have ever been able to be fully " me" (no mask) with. I have always loved hugging him and being hugged by him because it makes me feel safe and loved. I don't like being touched at all by people I don't know well.

    I would guess that the private time your girlfriend spends with you makes her feel safe and validated, which gives her the strength to deal better with social situations. You describe this as "a burst of NT behaviour" but autistic women are often good at copying NT behaviour. However copying, masking & analysing situations eventually causes exhaustion, which can lead to meltdowns or shutdowns. She will need regular "downtime" by herself or with just you, to recuperate and rebuild her strength to cope with the world .

    P.s. The explanation she gives about hugs releasing oxytocin is code meaning they make her feel happy / good / safe / loved, because autistic people often have trouble expressing their feelings, so she uses the scientific term for what happens to her.

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  • I am a woman who was very lucky to meet my life partner in my late teens and we have been together ever since. Although I didn't discover we were both on the spectrum until I was in my 50s, I always felt that we were "different" somehow and that only he really understood me. I recently realised that he is the only person I have ever been able to be fully " me" (no mask) with. I have always loved hugging him and being hugged by him because it makes me feel safe and loved. I don't like being touched at all by people I don't know well.

    I would guess that the private time your girlfriend spends with you makes her feel safe and validated, which gives her the strength to deal better with social situations. You describe this as "a burst of NT behaviour" but autistic women are often good at copying NT behaviour. However copying, masking & analysing situations eventually causes exhaustion, which can lead to meltdowns or shutdowns. She will need regular "downtime" by herself or with just you, to recuperate and rebuild her strength to cope with the world .

    P.s. The explanation she gives about hugs releasing oxytocin is code meaning they make her feel happy / good / safe / loved, because autistic people often have trouble expressing their feelings, so she uses the scientific term for what happens to her.

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