My assessment deemed I am not autistic, feel it was wrong

Ok, so you have one neurodivergence; ADHD. Where there is one there is often another.

Autism in women is often not well recognised and it may be worth a second opinion to double check that. The diagnostic skills are slowly moving on. 

In the end it will depend on whether what you feel you are hearing fits you or not. Clearly, you aren't neurotypical. 

It *IS* possible to get a second assessment. I was originally diagnosed as not autistic. After many years, I realised that I was on the spectrum and managed to get reassessed and diagnosed.

I did a LOT of research about autism and made a long list of autistic traits that I have. I took this with me to the psychiatric assessment and made sure that the psychiatrist saw it. That will take time, though, as you'll have to go on the waiting list again. It might be helpful to look at the report from the first assessment and see what they thought did/didn't fit with an autism diagnosis.

If you're feeling anxious, you may be able to get some anxiety counselling or therapy. If it's unstructured, then you can really talk about whatever you want. It may be helpful to explore that first while you do the autism research. It's not always easy to get this on the NHS, though, which tries to push people into more structured CBT.

ADHD and Autism have a lot of similarities. I'm beginning to believe ADHD individuals are a bit of a bridge between worlds. They tend to not have as many social misunderstandings which makes a massive difference. We can have similar sensory issues and health issues. From what I've read, ADHD have the ability to use full-brain reasoning and ALSO strong connexions in the part of the brain responsible for language and semiotics.

Image: If we have one Ring which is NeuroTypical and one Ring which is Autistic, where they overlap is how I see ADHD. In this scenario, I'm not talking about individuals with added needs. Just the basic NeuroType.

All humans mask. We all mimic to some degree. There's a lot of misinformation out there about this. In the early part of last century, Jung talked about the collective unconscious as a Persona, which the Neurotic (NT) has internalised. This Persona is an internal collective group-think and merged being, which is why the drive for Authenticity and Uniqueness among NeuroTypicals is so severe. Because, deep down they don't feel individual. Autistics on the other hand say they feel too individual, too isolated, confused about social exchanges, and if we understand they don't have this socially coded 'group self', then it makes sense they spend childhood trying to fit in rather than being unique. But this Persona, which is socially "encoded" would then account for why NTs are able to appear to have telepathy or get a read on one another. Many Autistics don't even know this is happening until someone explains it to them.

However, there is a process of maturing into adulthood which embraces the individual self. I'd suggest that Autistics mature different than ADHD than NeuroTypical. Part of this maturing is learning to dress up our Raw Selves. It's impolite in civilised society to run about naked. Similarly, our internal selves also require a 'coving up' just as our organs require skin. For NTs this dressing up of the Raw Authentic Self, is a subconscious movement happing from childhood called Sublimation. It's a way of suppressing uncivilised thought or desire and producing something which is externally acceptable behaviour. Morally correct. However, Trauma will mess up any process of individuation for someone regardless of their NeuroType. Autistics on the other end are not rewarded for masking. They often misunderstand the point or miss the social cues and just feel exhausted and still rejected. 

Masking for the NT is mostly subconscious and often they're rewarded for it through approval. Now, not all NTs are clever with their masking.  I have an introverted friend who always sees the power dynamic and makes conscious efforts to not play along. She's exhausted by it, but not Autistic. It was interesting for her to learn that I'm illiterate to these social nuances, though I can sense the essence of a tangled up amount of intentions of another, usually something deeper than the surface exchanges happening and without a rule book to play along.

For anyone really, I'd recommend learned ethics and aesthetics. Being intentioanlly polite is not bad. Putting in the effort to show someone you care about thinking of them is a genuine act of kindness and certain matters of politeness, which is part of "putting on a mask" help the world just run a little more smoothly. There's nothing wrong with thanking a bus driver or trying to remember to say please.  Learned healthy principles of kindness and being, will in turn, internalises a standard of expectation from others and helps us to create healthy boundaries without thinking too much about it. This is a more conscious way of investing in others and doing my part to be intentional and morally thoughtful and a part of a whole group. We all want to feel accepted and included and have to do some amount of work in order to be part of a desired collective.

I am at the very beginning of the assessment journey and am unable to comment on that side of things. However, I do have GAD, and I had an intensive course of CBT to help with this. My Doctor referred me, but you could also self-refer. The service is called Talking Therapies. It may be called something different in your area, but it's worth googling self-referral therapy or your area and seeing what pops up. The initial referral to the first appointment was 5/6 months, and it's hard work, but it has given me some valuable tools that I didn't know I was missing. It might be worth exploring.

A diagnosis of autism is not automatically a pathway to any sort of treatment or support - so getting one doesn't mean you get the other.

The sort of things you could be putting in place to help you find your way on this e.g. counselling or treatment for symptoms like anxiety - you can pursue those options without a diagnosis.

Your point about being an authentic version of yourself is incredibly important but even if you were diagnosed as autistic - it would still be down to you to spend the time and do the work to find out what version of you that is.

For some people diagnosis is a lightbulb moment, for others - like me - it's just the start of a new chapter. Yes - it has brought some clarity (as would your ADHD diagnosis I imagine) - but it's also raised as many confusing questions as it has answered.

I would not let the lack of a diagnosis stand in the way of you taking positive steps towards helping yourself cope and thrive.

I hope some of that helps. Good luck.